The rumors are true

I'm still alive

2004-10-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

Barely. I'm nearing the end of my last semester at school and have been hit with senioritis as well as the lovely flu that has been making its rounds about town. I've also landed a gig as a substitute elementary teacher, requiring me to grin and bear it as I Shout wipe the peanut butter and jelly smears off of my favorite clothing. Holly is still job hunting. I'm actively looking for a different car to trade the Addy the Audi in for-since this town seems to be 90% SUV's, I'd like to have a vehicle large enough not to be mistaken for a pot hole if hit.

Clearly, my life is the same bastion of excitement that it was prior to August.

PS. I'm accepting ideas for a new car. If you have one, send it this way. No SUV's please.

All Good Things Must Come To An End

2004-07-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

Blogging must take the backseat in my life, right now. Holly and I are leaving for vacation next week, and once we return, we'll most likely be having houseguests the week before school starts. We're looking at starting new jobs and possibly moving, so I'm not sure whether this will be a short term break, or a permanent one. But either way, I'll most likely make my decision by the end of August.

Enjoy the rest of your summer,

Tiffany

2004-07-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

Once again, having nothing that I feel like blogging about, I bring you a meme, courtesy of Juliette

1. Your name spelled backwards. ynaffit

2. Where were your parents born? In a hospital.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Knowing my luck, probably a virus.

4. What's your favorite restaurant? The swanky chinese place, downtown.

5. Last time you swam in a pool? A couple months ago.

6. Have you ever been in a school play? I was Cinderella in 3rd or 4th grade.

7. How many kids do you want? Zero. 8.

Types of music you dislike most? Nearly all of it. I'm not much of a music person,though,I'd try some women's music if I get suggestions for artists.

9. Are you registered to vote? yes

10. Do you have a car? Yes.

11. Have you ever ridden on a mo-ped? no

12. Ever prank call anybody? Yes, in high school.

13. Ever get a parking ticket? Once.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? I try not to tempt fate.

15. Furthest place you ever traveled? I've never been out of the country, unless you count Canada. Sad, I know.

16. Do you have a garden? No

17. What's the size of your bed? Queen

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Yes!

19. Bath or shower, morning or night? Generally showers.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? I don't think I've even seen one for at least two months.

21. What's the next movie you want to see? No clue

22. Chips or popcorn? Depends on what I'm in the mood for.

23. Have you ever broken any hearts? I don't think so.

24. Premarital sex? Well, considering I'm not allowed to get married anyway,at least not in the state I live in, I guess that would be yes. But I never had sex before I was in a committed relationhship.

25. Are you a good cook? Not really.
26. Orange or Apple juice? Orange

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with? Holly

28. Favorite type of drink? Latte

29. Best thing in the world? Holly. She's not a "thing", obviously, but she makes my life happier than anything else does.

30. Have you ever broken a bone? Tailbone. Agony.

31. Have you ever won a trophy? Yep, several dance-related ones.

32. What is your favorite board game? Life I'm the only person I know who likes this game. No one ever wants to play it with me. Wah.

33. What is your dream car? Something that has superpowered wheels that don't slide so I don't have to cry everytime I drive December-March.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? Yes, unfortunately.

35. Coke or Pepsi? Neither.

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? I had to wear a jacket when I worked at a makeup counter.

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? I can't remember.

38. Who are you going to marry? Not interested in marriage. But it would be Holly, if anyone.

39. Who would you like to meet? Mary Daly

40. Do you believe in love at first sight? ~~Yes~~ No

41. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex? Physically? Nose,eyes, hair.

42. Where would you go for a romantic evening? I don't know, anywhere can be romantic with the right person.

43. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Too many to count,honestly. They're overrunning the house.

44. Last song stuck in your head? The Simple Life theme song

45. Any pets? Two cats

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? Never watched it.

47. What is one thing you would like to learn to do? Nothing comes to mind.

48. What do you do when you are bored? Call someone, get online, watch TV.

49. What is one thing would you want someone to appreciate about you? Even if I'm sometimes brutally honest, at least I'm honest. I've found that most people are far more duplicitous than myself.

Nothing To See Here.

2004-07-16T22:51:00.000-07:00

Life has simply superseded the internet during the past couple of weeks. Really, I should have more loyalty to my poor blog, but I don't. I've been enjoying get-togethers with friends who are leaving in a few short weeks, helping people decorate new apartments, getting ready for my upcoming vacation-you get the point. Nothing particularly blog worthy has occured-whether this is good or bad is undecided. I'll give you some links to keep you busy:

*If you're a feminist and/or interested in learning about feminism, stop by Feminista! a fabulous, online feminist journal complete with discussion board.

*I've always meant to post about this, but forgot;
Tammy Lynn Michaels is my all-time favorite celebrity lesbian. You may remember her as the humorously cruel "Nicole" on the WB show of yesteryear, Popular. Her only downfall is that she married unnattractive, aging rocker Melissa Etheride. But isn't she cute?

*This person is not my all-time favorite lesbian. Not only does she support her daddy Dick Cheney in his anti-gay legislature, she is one of the ugliest,butch women I have ever seen. Wake up, Mary! I don't care how much you like being able to afford shopping in the Armani men's section, this can't be worth it. I hereby revoke this woman's lesbian card indefinitely.

That's all for tonight, folks.

Fun With Cali.

2004-07-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying that I'm no stranger to the inside of a veterinarian's office. Both of our rescued cats, Maggie and Cali, were neglected at some point in their lives-Cali actually found us, she was a stray who came to our front door. Subsequently, they have some health problems that often find me stuck in a chair at the vet's office and one of the cats stuck in her travel carrier yowling resentfully.

Today was one of those days. I awoke to Cali whining pitifully while digging at her ear, and when she got up to get a drink of water, she walked with a drunken swagger. Since I'm pretty sure neither of our girls indulges in the hooch, I concluded she had yet another ear infection. So I called the vet's office. Unfortunately the Secretary From Hell picked up. This woman, in every instance I've dealt with her has been an eclectic mix of scatterbrained,rude, or downright stupid. She forgets what kind of animals they are. She messes up appointment times. She--well, you get the point. But today I think she sensed I was in a no-nonsense mood. I'd already spent the past weekend with a sick human and really had no desire to deal with a sick feline as well. So after much pleading I was told that we would be "worked in" sometime in the morning. Meaning I needed to arrive at 9AM and not get my heart set on leaving before noon. OK. We got there at 8:45 in hopes that the office might already be open and we'd get seen before the first appointment of the day arrived. No dice. The doors were still locked and I was forced to be serenaded by several minutes of long, drawn out "meeyoowwr"s before we finally got to go in. I decided to leave Cali in the carrier, and she wasn't putting up much of a fight at this point.

A few minutes after I arrived a man walked in with a tiny yorkie dog. Now, I really try not to stare. I try not to use innocent bystanders for fodder for my blog--well, I guess that might be a tiny bit of lie. But anyhow. This guy. He gave new meaning to the words plus sized. He was easily four, maybe five hundred pounds. I'm not really good at gauging weight in males. But he was massive, and his tiny dog was dwarfed to the point of looking hamster-like by him. After signing in he lumbered over the waiting area and proceeded to be more obnoxious than anyone I've encountered lately. He opens a bag of Doritos at which his dog goes nuts and barks and carries on until he gives it one. Then two. Then three. Finally it ends up gagging on a piece of the chip and barfing inches away from Cali's carrier. She hisses at it through the mesh and turns her back. "Maybe you shouldn't give him any more chips; Junk food isn't too good for dogs", offered one of the office workers. The guy merely rolls his eyes and turns his attention to me. "So whacha got in there?" he queries. Uh, a cat, jackass. Thus the hiss when your dog barfed in its face "A cat", I answered, offering that she wasn't feeling very well today in a morose tone, hoping that he'd become afraid that his dog would catch The Funk and keep it's yappy ass on the other side of the room. To my relief, a woman whose size rivaled his own entered the office-his wife, so it turned out and thus began their long conversation about the world's Conspiracy To Make People Fat (tm).

Now, trust me, readers. At first I tried to keep my nose in my Marie Claire and out of their business, but it simply got too amusing. And I was bored.

The wife started talking about SuperSize Me, the Michael Moore film. Then the guy began flipping a shit about how fast food joints made him obese."I mean, when it's so easy to go get a BigMac with cheese and a large order of fries, who's going to cook healthy food?". She agrees and goes on to say that she fully supports people bringing lawsuits against places like McDonalds for their "negligence"--at this point I snorted in laughter, but did a quick save and turned it into a faux sneeze. They continue to go back and forth like this for a while. Blaming the availability of unhealthy food. Blaming, what they feel, is a world that in not conducive to exercise. Blaming anyone but themselves.

Now I realize that obesity is controversial, and the fact that more and more people have become that way in the past decade is obviously proof that it's not entirely self-imposed. But c'mon. Everyone knows that McDonald's is unhealthy. Even if you've never had one day of schooling in your life, you could probably guess that when a paper sac is drenched in oil, you might not want to put that into your body with any kind of regularity. Sueing a corporation when you've become obese because you put away the 20 piece McNugget and fries every day for a year is beyond ludicrous. Do these people blame bars with $1 drink nights when they become alcoholics? Not that I think it's good to enable obesity by having Biggie-size everything on your menu, but it's not like one can't say no to it, either. And even though there is the rash of 24 hr burger joints, there's also a lot of healthy foods that are easy to prepare that weren't around 15 or 20 years ago. There is fat-free popcorn. 80 calorie yogurt. Pre-packaged frozen dinners in accordance with programs like Jenny Craig. There is pre-made salads. Zero calorie fruit drinks. Low-calorie ice cream. It seems many overweight people choose to overlook these factors-they focus on the unhealthy food being marketed towards them and ignore the fast, still adequate options that they have available to them.

In conclusion, I bit my tongue sufficiently enough so that I didn't get my ass kicked by the plump and angry. Oh, and Cali got antibiotics and a treat from the vet. Which she later puked up.

On my bed.

"Do You Have This In Blue?"

2004-07-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

In my search for the perfect template I've found that 1)there are only about 3 that don't render my profile invisible by moving it to the bottom right corner of the page, and 2)there are just as few templates that don't have that uber annoying teeny-tiny font.

This one is OK. But I hate the color. I would like this in say, a light blue..sky,cornsilk, I'm not picky. So If you know of any custom templates that are feasible for someone even as technologically inept as I am to use, do tell.

This Way Trouble Comes.

2004-07-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

So saying that we've had bad luck with illness' the past few months is an understatement. First Holly caught a cold and passed it to me. Or so I thought. The next week she presumably caught said cold and was sick again. Last night however, takes the cake.

Yesterday Holly worked late so she and her co-workers ended up getting take-out for dinner. For some unknown reason, she has a taste for the the food from this rather sketchy chinese place a few doors down from where she works-but we'll talk about that later. Anyway, she finally arrived home around 9PM, she looked rather peaked and decided she'd go to bed. I turned in an hour or so later and just as I was about to fall asleep(isn't that when the fun always starts?)Holly sat up in bed and said she felt really nauseated so I said that I'd get her some 7UP and see if we had any Pepto Bismal left and--well, hold that thought, as now the better part of the bedding and floor had been vomited on. Now, be assured I really, really, really love Holly. Becuase everyone who knows me knows that if bodily fluids are here, I am =======> here.I managed an "oh..sweetie" and got her out of bed and to the bathroom-not before the hallway got a little action, though. I brought her the 7UP and put the fresh sheets on while p-r-a-y-i-n-g that I had some carpet cleaner left. I managed to get the bedroom relatively puke-free and since it was now around 2AM, decided that I'd leave the hallway for morning.

So I finally gathered my little firehose from the bathroom and we attempted to get some sleep. This lasted for all of 20 minutes. This time, nothing was spared. Not me. Not the comforter. Not even the Beanie Baby on the bedside table. Sniff. I won't lie, I was exhausted and more than a little grossed out-the thought of calling my mom and begging her to help crossed my mind more than once, but I refrained becuase 1) it was 3AM and 2)if someone is old enough to have a partner, they are old enough to deal with unsavory things like projectile vomiting. But this time, we had no clean sheets yet. The other set were not even done washing, and the extras that we had had already been christened with cat puke from earlier in the week-apparently this is a running theme in our household. I figured that she couldn't have any more food left in her stomach by this point, so I cleaned her up and popped her on the couch downstairs while I cleaned everything. The beanie baby was the only casualty.

By the time I finished it was almost 5 and Holly had long since fallen asleep on the couch. Her temperature stayed normal the whole night persuading me to conclude that she has the stomach flu and not, afterall, food poisening from the sketchy place where she'd gotten her dinner from. But who knows. I ended up curling up on the couch next to her and stroking her hair while she slept-I guess I fell asleep also becuase it was almost 9 by the time we both woke up. I decided that I should run out to the store to pick up carpet cleaner and some bland food that wasn't likely to end up on the curtains. Holly went all separation-anxiety and didn't want me to leave "but what if I puke while you're gone! I feel bad!". So I did what any normal person would do. I loaded the person who spent the better part of the night and morning puking into the car and we headed towards the salvation that is Walgreens.

Once there, I hunted for carpet cleaner. Holly moaned. I bought some Tylenol, just in case. Holly moaned. I scoured their small section of canned foods for a soup that was vegetarian. Holly layed her flu-ridden head on my shoulder. I kissed her cheek and said "we're almost done". Just then I heard a snarky " I don't know why people have to do that kind of thing in public". Being that I was operating on less than 3 hours sleep, I hadn't actually noticed anyone else being in the store. Upon further inspection, I settled my glare on the offenders- a frumpy, middle-aged couple looking at Depends* in the next aisle. As we were passing them I smiled sweetly and said "You know, we might be gay, but at least we are toilet trained". The look on their faces almost made spending the night being barfed on worth it. I only wish Holly had not been in such a post-puke fog so that she could have fully appreciated my bitchiness.

*I don't condone making fun of people's medical problems, but let's face it ;if you're making unsolicited homophobic remarks about a woman giving another woman a peck on the cheek, while you yourself are shopping for adult diapers, you're just asking for retaliation.

One Week.

2004-07-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night Holly and I have the, ahem, honor of attending the rehearsal dinner for her brother's wedding. Next Saturday is the wedding, in which Holly is a bridesmaid. Apparently the stars were aligned right and the fiance changed her mind about the lime green/orange theme she'd planned and is now wearing a standard, albeit cheap looking, white gown. And the bridesmaids are wearing sleeveless,pale pink dresses. They're actually really pretty and could hypothetically be worn for other occasions, though Holly is a fan of neither dresses nor most things pink.

In other news,we're headed to the Happiest Place On Earth, next month. Disneyworld. Me, Holly,my mom, my aunt, and her parents-though possibly not her dad who is a self-proclaimed country bumpkin and would prefer a fishing trip to going to Florida for a week, are trading the storm harboring state of Kansas for a week of tourists and screaming 2 year olds in the sunshine state. Kidding. Since all parties of this vacation are over the age of 18, I imagine we'll be focusing on age-appropriate things such as cool lesssons at the Disney Institute or touring Universal Studios.

But I hope I run into Minnie Mouse. She's such a cutie.

We Are Family

2004-06-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

Canada. San Francisco. Massachusetts. Thanks to these folks, I've had the (dis?) pleasure of hearing gay and lesbian couples wax sentimental over their plans for marriage. Note that I live in none of the above places, but the marriage frenzy has spread to the midwest as well.

But first, a story.

An acquaintence of mine, we'll call her "L", is a true blue pro-marriage pro-born gay theory(This is also why she is just an acquaintence). A few months ago she "married" her partner of several years, shortly after completing her Master's program, and much to the chagrin of her parents. Her parents don't accept the fact that she is gay-and her partner is not welcome. Period. She put up little fight against this, saying that she "respects their beliefs" and would not expose the children in the family to her "lifestyle". Her partner, and I really have no idea how L found one to begin with, goes along with this, though not happily. The real kicker is, L's younger sister-who is inarguably the black sheep of the family being that she dropped out of college to hook up with a 40-something ex-con with 5 children by just as many women. She's now engaged to this guy and planning an elaborate wedding-all on her parents' dime of course, becuase the ex-con fiance gets most of his wages garnished for child support, anyway. L says her parents have said that while they don't want her marrying this guy,"he's going to be part of the family whether we like it or not, so we might as well welcome him".

Oh, right.

In their minds, it makes sense to dissaprove of their successful, lesbian daughter's stable relationship, yet welcome their 22 year old daughter's marriage to a felon old enough to be her father. When pressed about this, L simply shrugged her shoulders and proclaimed "well, that's just how my parents are".

You know, I realize that I am lucky. I wasn't sure that I would have the support that I received when I came out as lesbian, especially becuase I was so young. I was already with Holly-my highschool sweetie before I told anyone, and I was damn sure, no matter the outcome, that I would never, ever, be ashamed of loving her. I don't consider myself particularly gutsy, I just don't see the point in living one's life any other way. If you're going to stand in front of city hall and wave your marriage certificate, or hold your "Love Makes A Family" sign, maybe you should try actually acting like a family. No matter how much lip service that is given to gay rights, if you're still obliging the request that Aunt Edna think that you and your partner are "friends" you might as well just go back in the closet. If you can't work out your own internal homophobia, then maybe you shouldn't be in a same-sex relationship with another person. Becuase, in 99% of these cases, if the family disapproved of an opposite-sex partner for whatever reason-race, weight, religion,etc. There "beliefs" would not be honored, and in most cases, nor would they expect them to be. How many people would stand behind someone saying " sorry dear, since Bob weighs 300 pounds and we don't approve of the obese,so only you are welcome at our home, and oh, if anyone asks, he's your best friend's brother"?. If you're not willing to possibly cut your losses with people who are supposed to stick by you, you probably shouldn't be gay.

And along the lines of the age-old question of "If a tree falls and no one hears it, did it really make a sound?". Can a relationship really exist when no one else recognizes it? I suppose, in theory, yes, you can have a hidden romantic/sexual relationship with someone, but real relationships are based on the blending of two people's lives-work,friends,family together. I learn new things about myself, and Holly as well, by the way people see us as a couple. That is something that cannot be replicated, and without those things, our relationship would not be what it is.

So if you're gay, or even if you're straight-if you love the person that you are with don't compromise your relationship with them for other people; If you're going to marry 400 pound Bob, tell mom and dad to make room on the couch for his big ass, becuase this is the guy that you're going to have babies with. If you're a lesbian, tell Aunt Edna that even 80 year olds can learn to accept new ideas. Life is too short to make everyone happy.

So What, I Give You My Mediocre Writing For Nothing?

2004-06-27T00:45:00.000-07:00

Where is everyone? Ok, so I know a few people are on vacation.

And hi, creepy lurkers, I see the hits on my blog. Say hello. I am as sweet as pie.

I promise.

Last Night, A Chronological Account

2004-06-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

10:45:Climb in bed next to Holly*,relieved to be getting back on a normal sleeping schedule.
10:50:The cats are noisily playing outside the door and intermittently scratching at the bedroom door. I chastise them vaguely from bed. At this point, the noisy neighbors are talking loudly outside their home.
11:20The neighbors are still talking. From what I gathered, Boyfriend's dog had a blowout all over the carpet and Girlfriend was ballistic about it, relegating him to the back yard. And if I hadn't been half-asleep the loud proclamation of "Jesus,Ben, there's shit everywhere!" would have been hilarious.
12:00Just as I'm falling asleep(again), cats are back to scratching at the door and meowing. No more Ms. Nice-er,woman. I open the door, tuck one under each arm and put them in the laundry room with their beds.Nyah,didn't get the best of this human
12:45At this point, I've been listening to more laughter and I'm assuming drunken laughter from the neighbors. Maybe they were celebrating the eviction of Pooping Dog. But at this point, I've had enough. I open the bedroom window and say in my best neighbor voice, "Not to ruin your fun, but it is 1AM and we're trying to sleep. Mind keeping it down a bit?". The guy responds with an amiable "I'm sorry! yeah, no problem". Back to bed.
1:30Apparently he thought keeping it down meant for the next half hour. More laughter and now, their dog has gotten riled up and is barking. But before I can dwell on that, I hear the cats yowling like hell downstairs. I open the door, and I fear that I may never be the same after that sight. They'd both managed to puke all over the floor, themselves,and their beds. From the looks of it, they'd consumed the candy that I'd left sitting on the coffee table earlier in the day. All I could manage was a rather lame "Ugh. Ugh.". Since there was no way in hell I was going to attempt to give two cats their much needed bath at 2AM, I decided fresh bedding and cleaning the remaining(ugh)puke particles from the floor would suffice.Back to bed.
3:00"If you don't turn that goddamn music off I'm calling the cops."SLAM
4:00Actually nothing. I finally got some long awaited peace and quiet.
6:30Holly:sweetie...do you want to..you know *wink*. Me:Unintelligible

*Note that she slept through the entire night's antics. Of course.

"Where Do You See Yourself In Ten Years?"

2004-06-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

At exactly which point in our lives do we move from childlike exuberance over being asked about our plans for the future, to pure, unadulterated apathy or avoidance?

I remember in 5th or 6th grade my teacher had all of us share what we pictured our life being as grown-ups. Most of the boys answered that they wanted to be sports figures of some sort-professional football or basketball players, coaches, announcers..you get the drift. Many of the girls wanted to be doctors, or nurses, or actreses. The responses were all over the board, but one thing was clear: We were all excited at the prospect of making choices for our adult life. Of course, being an adult is still highly overrated when one is 11 or 12, and I guess somewhere between SAT's and college graduation one loses the initial excitement one feels for life.

Holly and I went out to dinner with friends tonight. When we tired of silently mocking the obnoxious couple making out in the middle of the restaurant a couple of rows over, Megan posed a discussion question: What did we(myself, Holly, and another friend)expect our lives to look like in a decade? Our other friend replied first with a despondent "probably still in school!", since she plans to attend medical school. Next it was Holly. She began by saying, "still in love with Tiffany, of course"(Sorry lesbians, she's taken) and followed with "I'm not sure..hopefully owning a house,having a job that I'm happy and successful in, and having enough money to travel. I definitely want to travel."

Obviously, since we're partners, my future plans aren't entirely different from hers, but more detailed,I guess. I'd love to have a home in a country setting-not entirely removed from town-access to shopping, fast food, and friends is a priority to me, but somewhere quiet. I like the idea of having an alternative housing style such as log cabin. But I'd want it to be homey and semi-cluttered and fabulous. All my life I grew up in huge, non cosy, upper middle class houses, and while they were pretty, they were too cookie cutter and boring. I'd like the house to be filled with fresh flowers and slightly worn quilts and home made bread. I would never want to leave. I mean, I'd have to go out ot get highlights at some point, but you understand. Oh, I guess there's the pesky job factor. Maybe Holly will agree to be my sugarmama, or maybe I can develop some sort of talent for painting and spend my days being a moody artiste with blue acrylic in my hair, or something.

I'm such a dreamer.

Straight People Love Us

2004-06-18T21:42:00.000-07:00

In case you've been living under a rock, there is a website by the name of Black People Love Us. The site is a parody of clueless, and often cluelessly racist, white bread folks who make asinine comments in an attempt to relate to black people. we are guided through the website by the preppy, fictional "Sally" and "johnny" who hope that you like them as much as the Black community does. There are gratuitous photos of them "hanging out" with their black friends, and even quotes from their "friends"--Sally loves to touch my hair! She always asks me how I got my hair to do this. That makes me feel special. Like I have magical powers! and Johnny calls me "da man!" That puts me at ease. It makes me feel comfortable, because I am Black and that's how Black folks talk to one another. In essense, Sally and Johhny desire to be become part of the black community for their own benefit, and could really care less about cultures that are different from their own.

Which is why I told Holly over dinner tonight I joked that someone should create a website called "Straight People Love Us". The possibilities would be endless. First we would have to have to obligatory lesbians and gay men. But especially the lesbians. The offenders would be varied; We'd need the straight guy who could say "Lesbians are great! Especially if I can watch. In fact, I might be a lesbian myself!". And then, the "bisexual" woman who, though partnered to a man, of course, could proclaim her interest in lesbian culture. "Even though I have 3 kids, I love the gay community. In fact,I just told my husband tonight about all my super duper cool dyke friends. I'm so progressive!"

I had Holly rolling and she came up with a few zingers of her own. One especially noteworthy one being " I don't like labels,they're so constricting. I can't even buy a pair of underwear without cutting the tags out. I refuse to sexually identify". It was funnier in person, especially with Holly's faux emo delivery-hilarious. But we decided we're far too unmotivated and technologically inept to be bothered with attempting to create such a site; Maybe someone else will.

But there would be a dark truth to such a website. One that I really don't find funny at all. All of the stereotypical examples I gave have been from people I've encountered in my time of being a lesbian. Mainly from women, but considering I don't have that much contact with men, take that with a grain of salt. But it's hard to deny the fact that I get severely annoyed with straight women who take it upon themselves to tell me how oh so glad they are that gaaayyy peoopplee are getting the right to marry. Case in point, a former co-worker of mine who I had the misfortune of running into while at a cofee shop. She annoyed me when I worked with her, and absense does not, in fact, make the heart grow fonder. We attempted to exchange pleasantries. I had a running commentary in my head.

her: So you knew I was engaged, right? Well, I finally got married!

me: yeah! congratulations! your husband is a real catch. Despite, oh, hitting on me nearly every time he came to our workplace to pick you up. I hope everything is going well!.

her:Sooo. How about those gay marriage rulings, eh? I'm so glad that you all can get married too. Have you and Hannah set a date yet?

me: Her name is Holly, and actually no. Neither of us need the governemnt to recognize our love as being legitimate or not.

her: ..Oh. Well, I just thought most people like that wanted relationships like everybody else. I'm really actually thinking of joining a gay rights group-I'd like everyone to have the opportunity to marry.

Me:Kick, and off she goes! Sailing over the trees..

Her: I just don't believe anyone wouldn't want a forever-committment (yes, she really said this) when they find that special person, like my Alex.

Me: mmh. Well, I'd really better be going. Nice seeing you.

Word to the wise. If you're not black, if you're not gay-if you're not whatever, don't inject your own ignorance into unsuspecting bystanders. Don't become Sally and Johnny. Because some of us really don't care if you, a heterosexual woman with 2.5 kids, a dog, and a picket fence think it's nice that people like us can get married. And be like you. Don't assume that we want to be like you. Don't assume we're so greatful for your "support". It seems to be a trend for many people-whether that is actually being gay, or just co-opting the hell out of a movement in order to feel transgressive and edgy. Sure, maybe I'm a little territorial. But why shouldn't I be? Lesbians, especially, have worked to carve out their own identities apart from heterosexual culture, and many don't take kindly to"well-meaning" heterosexual invasion to it. Most people don't give a shit about people like this who embarrass themselves by trying to act like they actually know what it is like to live, love or otherwise as a non-heterosexual woman. But I've yet to encounter anyone as stupid as that in real life, thankfully, but there is a plethora of people basically the same; Generally ones who desperately want a sense of belonging to a group-you know,they were most likely those kids that never got picked in gym class.

They're now back for revenge. With rainbow flags.

The difference between regular, pro-gay heterosexuals, and these-vultures, for lack of a better term is night and day. So it's not as if I don't appreciate the support of straight people. I do. And none of them have ever behaved in the ways that I listed, and never would.

Straight people love me.

2004-06-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

It began when I was six. Twice a week in 1st grade I was picked up by a classmate's mom to spend the afternoon with them until my mother was off work. My mother,in turn, did the same for two other days of the week. This worked well; We were friends and enjoyed playing together after school, and since these were pre-NannyCam days, our parents were relieved that their child was being watched by someone trustworthy. I especially enjoyed the days I went with Julie and her mom because she took ballet lessons at the local dance school. This meant, at least on one of the days, I would get to try on her tutu and watch her as she learned complicated sounding moves like grande jete. After a couple weeks of watching I begged my mom to let me take dance lessons also; She agreed and I quickly found myself sporting a shiny new pair of black tap shoes on top of the ballet as well. But I was more than qualified for such a responsibility! I was six afterall. Not long after I began taking lessons Julie decided to trade in ballet slippers for soccer cleats, but I was hooked. The next year my dance instructor informed my class that we were nominated to go to a dance competition. It was several hours away, but my mom thought it would be a good experience for me, so after grueling hours of practice and fittings for rhinestone covered abominations, I was on my way to stardom.

Now even though mom will never admit it, I'm quite sure that I was significantly annoying during a long car ride when I was seven. At 20, I still feel the need to announce that my butt is aching and I need to get out and stretch. Or eat. At least 10 times or so. Anyone who travels with me usually finds their teeth worn down to mere nubs of what they once were. But we made it. The competition didn't actually start until the following afternoon, so we were one of the first few people to arrive at the hotel that evening-the others opted to wait until the next morning. We decided to eat in the hotel restaurant, and we waited for the food for a horrifically long time-at least an hour. At least that's what it felt like, anyway. Sometime during that time I ended up spotting a clown blowing up animal balloons in the lobby. To this day, I'm not quite sure why he was there, but I was interested, nonetheless, and then proceeded to behave in a way that often makes me want to drop-kick kids now; I whined that I wanted to see the clown, and that I was hungry, and that look! other kids were getting balloons. Finally my mom cracked and said that I could quickly go see the clown if I promised to come back right away and eat my dinner. (The restaurant was technically in the lobby, partitioned off by glass. It's hard to explain). Anyway, by the time I get over there, the lobby is quickly filling with people who have arrived off of a bus. Again, I can't remember details. But there are a bunch of kids with them who of course swarm the clown as well, and I remember for some reason I end up in a hallway where the ground floor suites are. At this point I'm upset and feel lost. (I mean, I still get lost in the town I live in when I'm driving, what did you expect of me at 7??)

Then all of the sudden I see a girl, about my age, with long blonde hair and a huge grin running towards me, holding a purple balloon dog. "Hi!" she says, "I saw that you wanted a balloon, so I asked the clown for an extra. Here." She extends the balloon and I stop sniffling at this point and thank her. She asks where my parents are, and I tell her that my mom is in the restaurant. She grabs my hand and we run back to the lobby where my mom, at this point, is on the verge of tears and scoops me up simultaneously kissing and yelling at me for walking off. I wave goodbye to the little girl, who runs off in the other direction.

The other day Holly and I spent a lazy afternoon at her parent's house looking at their old photo albums. Her mom had been a victim of the 80's Perm, just like my mom. Her dad's penchant for flannel lives through each decade, apparently. We come to a picture of Holly at 7 or so with choppy, really terrible bangs. Her mom laughed "Yeah, that was a real disaster. When the woman went to trim her bangs she leapt from the chair knocking everything over and ruining her hair. We just considered ourselves lucky she didn't lose an ear. It was her idea in the first place! I always loved her with long hair, it was past the middle of her back and beautiful!". I wanted to see a picture of it, having not seen many pictures of Holly around that age. After her mom dug around for awhile she finally found a few "I guess we just didn't take many pictures that year or something. But here are a couple that were taken at a hotel we were staying at during a vacation. She was so happy here; She'd spent day swimming in the pool and playing with these godforsaken animal balloons that she insisted on collecting from the clown that was there that weekend".

***********************************************************

So I probably don't need to tell you who the girl was now. I probably don't need to attempt to hypothesize why things like this occur, and I probably shouldn't.

Insomnia Makes You Do Strange Things

2004-06-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

But I guess insomnia isn't really an appropriate term. I don't have problems sleeping. I just have an odd sleep schedule. Namely, staying up late and sleeping in late the next day. Holly is a morning person-the kind that is happily whistling at 6 AM when you're still trying to muster the motivation to get out of bed, and this means that she is generally in bed no later than 10:30, at least on weekdays. This leaves me to putter about the house by myself for a couple of hours, or lately as it so happens, guiltily indulge myself in a couple episodes of Degrassi Junior High.

I was a mere rugrat when the series first began, in 1987. And I'm too lazy of a blogger to do any research about the first shows. But from what I gather, it's set in Toronto, Canada and follows the lives of junior high kids-grades 7 to 9. But it's not all lovey dovey like Lizzie Mcguire; It features real life situations-child abuse,addictions, date rape. And the kids don't look as if they're fresh out of a modeling agency. Stil, it's a bit embarrassing to be 20 years old and hooked on such as show. But hey, at 11PM it's either that or Cheers, and you wouldn't want me to subject myself to that, now would you?

But anyway. I'm pleasantly surprised at this series; Unlike nearly all of the other shows featuring adolescents, Degrassi addresses issues that affect kids; Child abuse, date rape, drugs, and just plain old growing up issues like fitting in.

So if you're bored and can't sleep some time, flip on Degrassi. I won't tell anyone.

Stepford Wives. Pondering and a Review

2004-06-12T22:43:00.000-07:00

I've enjoyed this weekend thus far enough so that I'm convinced that Holly and I need to take a real vacation before the summer is over.

In a nutshell we spent the day at the museum, shopping, having a swanky dinner (though I was subject to my first and hopefully last experience of watching someone receive the Heimlich Maneuver), and finally, seeing Stepford Wives.

And I bring you a review.

The opening scene of the movie depicts Nicole Kidman's character, Joanna, at an awards banquet recognizing her for her superb performance of a cable network. She had created a reality tv show called "I can do better" in which a married couple was sent to an island and tempted with attractive singles, Temptation Island style. The man chose to stay with his wife, but the wife did not. He shows up at the awards ceremony and attempts to kill Joanna. He's jumped by security and is obviously not successful. The next day, Joanna comes in to work and is informed by her boss that the same man had killed his wife and her boyfriend(s) and now the company will be sued. She's a liability, so they fire her. She has a nervous breakdown and subsequently suggests to her husband Walter (Matthew Broderick)* that they "start over". Starting over means moving to the upper-class community of Stepford in Connecticut. Oh, and they have two kids. But they're sort of a non-issue.

Anyway, as soon as they arrive Walter perves on the June Cleaver-esque women and Joanna looks on, as she's obviously disgusted by their liberal use of pink when she prefers all black. Anyway, a few days pass. Walter is invited into the men's group, Joanna is invited to the "day spa" where they proceed to do dorky workout routines and further make her despise pink. At the town fair/picnic she meets Bobbi(Bette Midler), an author and fellow newcomer to Stepford. Like Joanna, she's outspoken, a bit unkempt, and suspicious of the other women in the town. Later that day at the fair we witness the first proof, in the form of Faith Hill, that the women of stepford are bionic. While two-stepping, she shorts out and subsequently falls over. And sparks. Joanna attempts to help her,but is shunned by everyone else. She gets in a fight that night with her husband over it, and thus follows a conversation that pissed me off; He tells her that she just wanted everything to be about her, and that her attitude "makes people try to kill her", and that she wears black like a castrating bitch. Her character then castrates him and hops into her car to drive back to Manhattan to look through the employment listings.

Kidding.

She actually tells him that he is right (groan) and that she'll give things a chance. In the next frame we see her sporting a pink dress and baking cupcakes. Bobbi and the one stereotypical gay guy in town, Roger, are at her house keeping her company. They share why they came to Stepford; Roger's therapist reccomended he and his partner move to the suburb's, and amusingly enough, Bobbi claims her move was court ordered.

And this is getting along. So we'll leave out some details. Deal.

Roger ends up being accepted to the men's group and subsequently stepfordized-he butches up and runs for senate. Both Joanna and Bobbi know something must be wrong; The next time Joanna goes to Bobbi's house, she has an immaculate house and is wearing a pink dress. Dun Dun Dun. Joanna goes home and tells her husband she wants to leave the next day. He agrees.

The next day when she calls about picking her kids up from camp, she's told they're not there. She drives to the men's club and is then confronted by all of the men, including the head honcho, who's married to Glenn Close's character. They end up showing her what they did to the women, (inserting microchips into their brain, overhauling their bodies,etc.) they wax on about how emasculated they were by their ball-busting CEO, Lawyer, Doctor, Scientist wives and say how this way is "better". Once again, I get angered as kidman's character says little more but "can they say 'I love you' and mean it?. Can I get a WTF? I may be a ball-busting feminist, but even my non-ball busting feminist acqaintences wouldn't ask that when they'd just found out that their man wanted to insert them with computer chips like a Golden Retriever and make them into Barbie doll look-a-likes. But I digress. We are supposedly shown Joanna being stepfordized by her husband. The next time we see her she has long blonde hair, a demure voice and a pastel outfit. She is at an elaborate ball celebrating their entrance to Stepford. Then all hell breaks loose.

Broderick's character goes to the men's club and starts screwing with the control panels of the women. They begin coming back to "life", one by one. And of course they're pissed off at their husbands. When the men recognize that it was Broderick's doing, they confront him. Glenn Close's husband, the head honcho, goes to hit him with some random object and Joanna respondes by hitting him over the head. His head falls off. He is a robot. Mouths are agape. Close's character weeps and screams,for she was actually the brains behind Stepford. She caught her husband cheating on her years ago, you know, back when she was a ball-busting bitch, with her employee and killed him. She then devised a plan to not only bring him back to life, but to use her powers to create a world of "beauty and romance". She grabs his fallen head and ends up electrocuting herself and dying. The last segment shows Joanna and Bobbie on Larry King Live talking about their achievments after leaving Stepford. The end.

There are a few things I left out, but that's the jist of it. I guess this movie was in the realm of "chick flick", despite its bevy of well-known actors and actresses, as it faired poorly at the box office. Number seven, I believe. If I want to get all analytical, it's not surprising that in this supposedly "post-feminist" sociey we see a woman being portrayed as an oppressor of other women. She converted them to robots becuase she wanted to do nothing more than clean house and be protected by her husband. But it was cute. I'm simply having too good of a weekend to get my feather's ruffled, so to speak. So hopefully you enjoyed my rather shoddy review.

*Does anyone else wonder why even though Matthew Broderick often plays an asshole in movies (In Election he cheated on his wife and had fantasies of having sex with his 16 year old student, in Stepford Wives he blames his wife for her attempted murder and comes close to turning her into a robot)he is always hailed as some sort of industry darling?

Yep. I'm still here. I was just temporarily blinded by...

2004-06-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

It was a surprise. A total surprise. Holly said that she bought it for me becuase it was beautiful-like me, and that she thought that I wanted one. Now I admit that I had coo'ed over people's diamond rings in the past few months, but I never really wanted one for myself. Ok,ok so I went on one of those "design your own ring" websites one time. But that doesn't count because I never told Holly about it.

She said that she'd planned to give it to me this weekend when we'll be away at a bed and breakfast inn in a neighboring town, but she couldn't wait any longer. I cried. I admit it. I had been a bit miffed that Holly had picked up extra hours at her job lately; It's summer, and the last few months before we both become entrenched in the rat race of having "real jobs". I wanted to spend more time with her, and I'd already checked out her coworkers-not a single one is hot.So that couldn't be the reason. Kidding. I knew that she wanted to save money, and she is, but she also saved to by me my perfect little ring, which has not left my finger in two days.

Truth be told, I don't have much luck with jewelry. Both sets of pearl earrings bought for me during my teenage years? Both lost in freak accidents involving swimming pools and toilets. Don't ask. It's better this way. Diamond tennis bracelet from my Sweet 16? You don't even want to know. Faux silver hoops I bought from Claire's when I was 12? Got 'em. It's like I'm cursed. So I don't have a lot of expensive jewelry, for obvious reasons. I'm not a huge accessorizer-(is that a word?) anyway. I have a few goes-with-everything quality earrings and necklaces, but that's about it. I'm content to buy trendy costume jewelry and spend money on , uh, things I don't manage to lose. Like shoes.

But anyway. Holly and I both started out with rings to symbolize our committment. They're just simple bands, and she still wears hers. I stopped wearing mine partially because I resented the idea that a woman wear proof that she is "taken" and partially because I wasn't that crazy about the rings in the first place-I'm really not a huge ring person, but exchanging earrings or tea would have slidden us into the Boring Dyke category that no one wants to be in.

I'll be back Monday. I fully intend to enjoy two days with Holly-no phone calls, no computers,no cats, no jobs. Just us.

And the ring.

Harry Potter

2004-06-04T21:21:00.001-07:00

Let me begin by saying that we almost missed the first part of the movie because HOLLY insisted that she find her box of Raisonets that she had misplaced before we left. Yep, she fancies sneaking illegal snacks into movie theaters. She says they overcharge and that the candy is never fresh. And worse, she often asks me to hide them in my purse-surely so that I can take the blame if we are caught, forcing me to break the news to my mom, via my one phone call, that her daughter is on the path to a life of crime, beginning with candy smuggling.

But I digress.

We made it in time. We bought sodas and I bought popcorn-Holly was satisfied with just her illegal chocolate covered raisens, and found seats. No more than the previews had begun, a couple began making out a couple rows in front of us. Call me strange, but if I want to make out, I prefer the comfort of my own living room. I don't even have to pay $8.50. And this isn't a threat or anything, but if you're in you're mid-twenties and making out in a movie theater, don't be too surprised if, you know, some popcorn happens to fly your way, and possibly, a few pieces stick to the hair clip that is holding your hair into a pony tail. Becuase you know, these things have a habit of happening, especially when certain members of society, if they were to behave in said manner would ellicit "ewws" or "that is so sinful" reactions from people in society. And besides, people getting hit with popcorn is amusing.

Anyway, on to the movie.

I'm sorry to report that the book invoked much more visual imagery than the movie provided. The opening scene where Harry inflates the nasty aunt was cut short-as was his descent from the household. And in the book, once he is picked up by the midnight train, it is several days before he gets to the school; During this time he shops in Hogsmead and buys his school supplies,et cetera-this part I was especially looking forward to, and am quite dissapointed it was left out. I suppose it wasn't an integral part of the plot line, but I would have liked to have seen it included anyway. There was also more detail on the character's personal relationships in the book. Which is to be expected I guess-the movie would have had to have been four hours long to include everything, and my ass would have been crying if I had to sit for that long. But there was much more emphasis on the fight between Ron and Hermione, that was left out of the movie. Which is probably good; Hermione's character drives me nuts, anyway. She seems to be a caricature of some sort of an assertive girl/woman. And wasn't there another girl that played a fairly large part in the book? There were other discrepancies I wanted to point out, but it's late, and I've managed to forget them. Maybe I'll edit tomorrow.

Harry Potter

2004-06-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

The one area in life in which I am a geek

2004-06-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

So I'm counting down the hours until I see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I'm going to the 7pm show (pre-purchased tickets! Hurrah!) becuase Holly is working today. Or else I already would have seen it, most likely. But I couldn't see it without my sweetie, it wouldn't be the same. Even though she's not a fan and the movies are often peppered with her under-the-breath sarcastic comments ("God, Hagrid is a likely candidate for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Look at his hair!"). The funny thing is, she bought the first book. I was sick and down in the dumps; The flu or something. I remember I hadn't left the house in a few days and I was utterly and completely bored. So she made me soup and sat beside me in bed and read me Harry Potter. I wasn't enthralled. I found the made-up terms to be ridiculous. I found the kids' names to be ridiculous.

Fast forward a few months.

I'm bored, so I pull the book out of the closet and read it for myself. I become engrossed in Harry's escape from his wack aunt and uncle, and Maury Povich style obese cousin. I lose myself in the imagery of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I root for the unlikely pair of Harry, Ron, and Hermione. I become hooked. I finish the book in one day and promptly go to the store to buy the others (by this point, the first four books had already been released, I believe). But really, it wasn't until after the first movie that I could really fully enjoy the books. I need visuals, and the books had none, sans the cover picture of Harry himself. Now I can picture what scruffy Hagrid looks like, and the absolutely darling Weasely residence, oh, and the Malfoys, who go a little overboard with the hair bleach.

The Prisoner of Azkaban was my favorite book thus far, hands down. So I'm extra excited to see this movie tonight. And I'll be back! With a review, tonight or tomorrow.

In Which I Scream at a Fruit Fly

2004-06-01T22:23:00.001-07:00

I carelessly left an apple sitting on my desk for a few days, which seemingly led to the problem of fruit flies congregating around my computer monitor and driving me batshit. It's a humbling moment when you realize that you, a 20 year old woman, are screaming at something the size of a poppy seed, and that is probably utterly terrified of you. But really, how long am I supposed to tolerate a fruit fly coming within an inch of my eyeball or so close to my ear that I hear the deafening buzz of its tiny wings? I'm only human!

I didn't get the retail job that I applied for a couple of weeks ago. You'd think I had a sketchy job history or something; I don't. But I've only had one job,which I left because I was unable to work more hours (which they wanted) as well as go to school. I'm not particularly concerned about it, I don't need the money, and since I'm taking a full-and I do mean full-18 hrs courseload for my senior semester, I won't be attempting to work then. But I'm considering volunteering at an animal shelter or something. My friends are all employed or have gone back to their home town/state this summer, and Holly has a job, so I need something to occupy my time. A sort-of friend from school asked if I wanted to babysit her baby this summer. Um, no thanks. I dislike children. Do I look motherly or something? Tiffany and baby puke/poop do not go together, thankyouverymuch.

I'm beginning to think I may need rehab for my M&M habit, which is quickly spiraling out of control. Suggestions welcome.

I'm amused.

2004-06-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

Someone found my blog by typing "Freddy Kruger-True Story" in Yahoo search engine. I'm sorry, my friend, but the uber burned, dream-invading homicidal maniac(though someone should tell him that horizontal strips tend to make one look a bit fluffy)from the Nightmare on Elm Street is a mere mortal in costume.

Oh, so what, I scared you off with that last entry?

2004-05-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

Maybe everyone is just too busy consuming charred pig and cow via BBQ's this weekend.

And since I am now getting porn spam via instant messages, for christ's sake, I've taken down my contact information.

My AIM screen name is XluxuriousX. And unless you're beseeching me to join your website to look at pictures of you in the buff, I'll probably answer you.

T.M.I.

2004-05-27T23:18:00.000-07:00

Tribadism (trib'ad-izm) [G. tribein, to rub, + -ismos, condition] is a sexual practice where two women rub their external genitalia against one another for clitoral stimulation.

You know, I try to keep this blog PG rated. I like it that way. That's the way the majority of it will remain. But since I'm fairly sure that my readers are of the over 18 crowd, and since I've received one too many sex toy spam emails over the past few days, this entry was born.

Kids gone? OK,good.

I'm tired of society pushing the notion that everyone is better off with a penis in them or on them. Namely, a penis on men and in women. But even if you're a lesbian, you're still not exempt from the rampant phallic worship. From what I gather,most lesbian and bisexual women use phallic shaped objects to engage in penetration in all or most of their sexual encounters. I hate to state the obvious, but if one wants a sexual partner with a penis, they should get a man. Women don't have penises, thank you very much, I happen to be pretty happy that I nor my partner has one, and if you like them so much maybe you're not really a lesbian at all. And I don't care if you're "attracted to the person not the genitalia" .If you were with a man, I highly doubt you'd be expecting him to strap on breasts and a vulva just because you had the propensity to be attracted to them. Not to mention the fact that it is disturbing, and rather disqualifies a relationship if the parties in said relationship are incapable of having sex without an inanimate object. Sexuality isn't all about what you do in bed, but it's not entirely removed from it,either.

Oh,Tribadism. I almost forgot about the quote. This sexual practice is, for the most part, unheard of by most people and (unfortunately) under-rated. Few hits come up for it even on the best search engines, and the ones that do are mainly porn. The one time I did see it mentioned was on a GLB site which said tribadism was unlikely to be effective unless both partners were the same height. Score one for faulty logic. Most heterosexual couples are not of the same height-males are generally much taller, on average, and still manage to make their genitalia meet. It's disconcerting that while most young children nowdays know the ins and outs of oral sex, most adult people are unaware that women are capable of being sexually fulfilled without penetration.

Of course, considering in this society, and every society pretty much, penis=power. Some lesbians use silicone molds of penises on a day-to-day basis and pretend it's their own-"packing" is the term for this unsavory practice, I believe. Others want their partner to give oral sex to the piece of silicone. It goes without saying that these practices verge on laughably ridiculous, but it is also proof of the influence that a patriarchal society has on women. But most would never recognize this fact, or admit it even if they did recognize it.

I'm pretty sure I had some witty commentary to wrap this post up, but alas it's 2AM and my brain is turning to sludge. When I wake up tomorrow and realize that the whole internet world can read intimate details about my life, I may severely edit this entry.

So,um, get it while it's hot.

They call it "Flushable Cat Litter"

2004-05-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

When I'm finished mopping up the toilet water from the bathroom floor, I'll share with you how very wrong they are.
*******************

So I already tried to update, and I ended up losing the entire post. Thus, you'll get the abridged version.

Yesterday, after attempting to flush the "flushable" cat litter clumps down the john, I inadvertently clogged the toilet. I have common sense; These were small clumps, and at first I thought all was well until the toilet started pushing more and more water into the bowl. Within seconds, the water had risen precariously towards the top of the bowl. Freaking out, I ran downstairs to gather towels and call the agency from which we rent our home. They provide maintence, including plumbing, at no cost. I told the secretary what happened, and that I needed a plumber ASAP."Soo" she drawled, Is this an emergency? The maintence man is out of town, so I doubt anyone will be available today". No you dumb heifer, I've always wanted an indoor swimming pool and just called to tell you of my good fortune. But I didn't say that. I told her that yeah, this is definitely an emergency and I needed someone TODAY, or actually, by the sound of the water on gushing out onto the floor, in the next few minutes. She said that she'd "get back to me". Figuring paying for my own plumber would be cheaper than replacing water-logged carpet, I hung up and went for the Yellow Pages. Within seconds I was talking to a burly sounding guy named, I kid you not, Bubba. Bubba said that he could have someone here in the next ten minutes. Great.

I spent the next few minutes trying to keep the water from flowing onto the carpet, and attempting to keep the cats from coming in the water saoked bathroom. This is what so ironic about cats-when you want to get them wet for some legitimate reason, like bathing, they'll fight you with everything they've got. When you try to prevent them from getting wet from say,water from a vessel in which we do our business every day, they're all over the opportunity. Finally, the guy arrives, and gets right to work. Some plunging, fiddling around under the lid for awhile, eventually replacing a part and charging me $200. I'm convinced that after the first $100 he was just killing time.
But my toilet is fixed, and that's all that matters, right? The only casualty was one towel which managed to get stained from the inital blue water from the toilet disinfector thing and had to be thrown out.

Oh, and the secretary called today and said that she could have a plumber here by Thursday morning. I won't even go there.

The weather behaved accordingly

2004-05-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

Today was the day of the dreaded wedding shower; I got little sleep last night due to the thunderstorm that we had last night-I woke up at least every two hours to lightening flashing across my face and the roof shaking. In retrospect,I'm sure the newscasters were beseeching us to go to a basement or interior closet, none of which someone is willing to do at 3 A.M. Holly slept like a baby, of course. I managed to snag at least a couple hours during REM sleep hours, and woke up and finally,defeated, crawled out of bed around 8, after the storm started to pick up again. I spent the rest of the morning schlumping around with coffee in hand, making an attempt at deciding what to wear.

By noon,we were groomed, dressed, and out of the door. I decided to wear my new Anne Klein suit, despite Holly's protestations that I was overdressed. We spent the next half-hour attempting to find the location of the house; Not surprisingly, they'd bought an old, shitty house that lesbians seem so keen upon doing. Seriously, you can buy a more than decent home for 140K in this area-I'd really like the rationale behind the sapphic desire to buy dilapidated money pits. Not that I don't like old homes, some of them can be refurbished beautifully-if one has the money. But if you don't, it's a waste of time. But I digress. It seemed to have slipped my mind that the ground had been pummeled with rain for the last 12 hours and would be muddy, which meant I probably shouldn't have worn cream colored heeled shoes. I managed to make it to the door still relatively clean but in full Fear Factor mode, just waiting for this experience to be over. Right after Holly rang the doorbell, in seemingly slow motion, we looked at each other and almost simultaneously said "Oh shit, we forgot the present". The Lesbian Bride To Be opened the door before we had a chance to figure out what to do. She introduced us to her other friends; "Hello, oh, no, I had no clue that you could trim hedges with a lawnmower..interesting" " Well yes, I *am* in a relationship..that is Holly. You must have missed the other 5 times that I said it" after a few more minutes of such, pleasing conversation, Holly pulled me into the currently empty dining room Her: I'm going to run home and get the gift, OK?
Me:What? Nooo. YOU are the one that wanted to come to this shower. I don't know these people, and I sure as hell don't like-
Her:Shh! Ok, fine. You go get the present then, I'll stay here.
Me: Oh forget it. You know how bad I am at directions, If I leave, I'll never make it back. But just know that butch woman in red has been eyeing me since we got here..
Her,winking: Well, that's because you're hot

Thankfully, she made it back faster than it took us to drive there. I managed to make it through cake, gifts, and interacting with her, um, interesting guests virtually unscathed, but happy to be home.

And I still have a few weeks to think of excuses to get out of going to the ceremony.

First hotlinking, next grand theft auto

2004-05-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

Despite deleting my picture,the site which was hosting my picture still displays the "Don't Hotlink" sign where my picture used to be. Perhaps as some sort of public shaming? In my defense,I would have been more than happy to link to the picture directly from my photo album, had the URL not exceeded the number of characters Blogger allows-I mean, geez,it's not my fault..I'm innocent. Ahem.

I woke up today to a bouquet of pink roses sitting on the chair that is a few few away from my side of the bed; The note read "Just Because". I walked downstairs to dig around the cabinets for a vase-dig being the operative word, as we seem to have amassed a plethora of junk in the few short years that we've lived together. A few platters here, about a million cake pans there,et cetera. Anyway, I remembered the Fancy Vase that was given to us as a present that we've kept boxed up and in the front closet. When I took it out, there was a note, simliar to the one on the roses that read .."I love you"

Sometims life just couldn't get any better, you know?

More from the G.H.F Brigade

2004-05-20T12:57:00.001-07:00

While flipping past the E! channel last night, I came across one of the Phelp's women(she was in her late 30s/early 40s, so I'm assuming a daughter or daughter in law or something)on the Howard Stern show. Appaerently she,along with her children, were there to play "celebrity squares" (or whatever it's called..it was based on a show that had been on tv, and I'm not hip to any game shows, so you'll have to forgive me). Anyway, they were there along with some other "controversial" guests; A drunk, A KKK member, and porn stars. The weirdness from this group is really never ending. I don't know any totalist religious groups that would allow women to go to Las Vegas with her children in order to be on a show of a man that promotes all sorts of social debauchery-not to mention the fact that the youngest children,probably around 7 and 8 or so, were exposed to sexually explicit language and forced to hear crowd members yell rude comments in response to the woman's anti-gay remarks. The little boy was visibly upset by this, frowning nearly the entire time. I have a sort of sick fascination with these people, I guess. But there's always a fascination with people who choose to obsess over something, I suppose. All fundamentalist groups are homophobic, but they at least attempt to mix things up a little bit; Some volunteering here, some gospel spreading there, these people have little more on their agenda than traveling throughout the country accusing people of being fags or fag enablers--Oh wait,here's the picture of them with Stern.

With that, I leave you. Lest I miss out on a chance to make snide remarks to those that are deserving, I've decided to attend the aforementioned bridal shower after all, so I have to go shopping

Calling all literary sleuths

2004-05-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for a book that I came across many years ago. It was about a (white) woman who went "undercover" as an african-american woman in the 1950s or '60s,and wrote about her experiences working for a white family and the racism that she encountered.

I remember very little about the book, but I do recall that she took some kind of pills to make her skin darker and colored her hair, etc. I can't remember the circumstances in which I ever got the book in the first place; I couldn't have been older than 11 or 12, but I do know that it was interesting. I've searched the internet to no avail; Help me and I'll be overcome with gratitude.

Quick, Hide the Casserole

2004-05-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

Much like the drunken uncle that manages to find out about every family reunion, I knew that the God Hates Fags folks wouldn't fail to carry on about how those fag-enablers and demon dykes were taking over all of civilized humanity since the rulings in Massachusetts. According to good ol' Fred, it's also fags and dykes who were responsible for the abuse of Iraqi prisoners. When I first saw this website a few years ago, I was sure it was satire, ala Landover Baptist, because I couldn't imagine anyone taking something like that seriously.
________

I feel like I'm being repetitive by this point, but I'm just a wee bit sick of the phone calls I've gotten from friends, gay and straight alike, asking me if I'd heard about the gay people that GASP got married in Massachusetts. I replied that no, I no longer have access to television, radio, newspapers, or the internet, so I had absolutely no clue that this had happened. Yes, I know that it is a wonder that I still have friends. But 1) don't live in Massachusetts, so it's not as though even if I were dying to legally marry, that it would be an option for me at this point. and 2)All of the people who called me know that Holly and I don't plan to get legally married, ever. It's one thing to comment on something in the broad sense; Yes, it's good that non-heterosexual relationships are being acknowledged. But it's another to shriek giddily and ask "Sooo, don't you want to get maarriieed now??!!" to your vehemently non marriage-minded friends.

_________

What is it about cats that makes them have the urge to run a marathon while puking simultaneously? I awoke this morning to find Maggie in the pre-puke stage, and as I went to grab her she darted out of my room, down the stairs, and under the table. Not wanting to spend the better part of my day on my knees with stain-remover, I attempted to collect her from under the table, which sent her ripping out of kitchen and into the living room behind the couch-where she puked. So now, not only do I have stained carpet, I have to wait to attempt to clean it until Holly gets home and helps me move the couch.

Now why did I want a dog again?

%$#%%

2004-05-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm not allowed to use the Thisaway Rose, one of the two templates I actually like. When I choose it, the profile side of my blog is moved to the bottom of the page. I now use Ms. Moto, being that it is the only other pink one. I decided to share this because it depresses me..my heart longed for Thisaway Rose.

Why do the ugly always get in the newspapers?

2004-05-17T16:10:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I could scarcely force myself to watch any of the Massachusetts goings on last night, the only women they seemed to show were horribly mannish, to say the least. If one knows they are likely to be videotaped they could at least make an effort to look decent. I'm beginning to think if I didn't have Holly I'd simply be asexual..beause it seems like most lesbians simply don't make the cut. Except my lesbian friends, of course, but I don't like them in that way, obviously. Speaking of, I have not one, but two upcoming bridal showers to attend. One for a lesbian couple; whether or not I'll show is still up in the air. Since Holly has asked me to, I most likely will. I'm not close friends with the woman, I really barely know her. Her partner, I don't even want to know, as she behaves nearly as sexist to feminine women as your average frat boy.

Oh, and she's wearing a tux. Here's to hoping I won't have to bite my tongue bad enough to require stitches.

The other shower is for Holly's brother's fiance, otherwise known as "she of poor taste". We're not holding out any hopes that she has changed her mind about the godawful bridesmaids dresses, but maybe her friends have talked some sense into her. I had the pleasure of talking to Holly's much mentioned 80 something great-aunt a while ago and the conversation went similiar to this me: "So, Did you get a chance to look at the pictures David's fiance sent?" her: "Yes, I told him the girl was out of her damned mind, not that he would listen. You know, I think Holly got all the sense in the family..got it from her momma. I told David if he gets a damned lime green wedding suit to never bother to come visit me when I get shipped off to the nursing home." Me, laughing:"I agree,I can't imagine why anyone would choose those colors. Holly is not happy about having to wear that bridesmaids dress." Her: "tsk, someone should tell those girls that they look like ripe watermelons with heads in those dresses. But when you weigh 250 pounds people shouldn't really have to tell you not to wear a skin tight mini dress. At least they didn't back when I was a girl.."

I love that woman

A blog after my own heart

2004-05-15T22:39:00.000-07:00

How did they know that I was secretely wanting a pink blog? Sadly, I believe my comments are gone now. Off to mess with haloscan...grumble.

Taken from Gayle

2004-05-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

1. Describe the last shoe you wore:
Tan colored uggs. I wore them to check the mail this morning.

2. Where do you live? Why do you live there?
Kansas. I live here becuase this is where I've lived for most of my teenaged years. I'll be here until I graduate college, at least. After that, who knows.

3. Describe your hair. What reason did you choose your current hairstyle?
It's long, light layers, and highlighted blonde. I'm just beginning to like my hair..it's always been on the thick and unmanageable side. But I can wear it in several different styles..so I'm happy with it.

4. What is your opinion on body
modifications (tattoos/piercings/branding/amputation/implants/etc.)?
It goes without saying people who want to amputate their healthy limbs need to go to the psyc ward. As far as tattoos/body piercings-not for me and I think it looks pretty trashy, in general. But to each their own.

5. What are your spiritual beliefs?
None. I believe in reality.

6. Do you have any interesting scars?
Nope, the few that I have are barely visible and happened sometime when I was a kid.
7. Tell me about your most interesting aunt or uncle:
They're not interesting. Thus the reason Holly's previously blogged about family members amuse me so.

8. How many grandparents do you have, and do you know them?
None are living

9. What, if anything, do you wear on your feet when in your home?
If I've worn heels, which is a lot of the time, they come off as soon as I get in the door. If I'm wearing comfortable shoes, I generally leave them on.

10. Do you secretly hate some of your friends but are too nice to reject them?
Life's too short to have friends that you hate. No.

11. If you had to be blind or deaf, which would you choose?
Deaf. But I'd rather keep both, thanks.

12. When's the last time you went on a date?
I've never been on a formal date. I've been in a relationship since I was 16. The romantic part of me secretely loves that I'm with my "highschool sweetheart".

13. Person you most wish you hadn't made out with?
I've only made out with one, and I'm still with her.

14. Who is the person you can count on the most?
Holly

15. If you could date any celebrity, past or present, time and age are not a factor? I'm with the only person I would ever want to be with. So, none.

16. Do you have gay family members?

I'm pretty sure the cats are lesbians. I guess that counts.

17. Describe yourself as a child in one word.
Spoiled.

18. Imagine you could gain total memory from any single year in your life. What year would it be?
2000. The year I fell in love with Holly. Time goes by so fast when you're young, and it would be nice to be able to remember exactly how I felt during that time.

19. If you found out for certain there is a Heaven AND Hell, how would you change your life, or would you even change it at all?

People create their own heaven or hell, on earth. When we're dead, we'll be feeding worms like everyone/thing else does. Deal.

20. Let's say you get in the way-back machine and you're able to witness any one time in your family's history. What do you want to see?

This is kind of open ended..I'd like to see my mom when she was a kid, I guess.

21. If you could make, absolutely, one thing come true for a friend, what would it be and who?

I'd love it if my friends could be comfortable with themselves and love themselves more. That's as in detail as I'll get.

22. Out of all your friends, who is the most comfortable with their sexuality?
I don't think I have any friends that are uncomfortable with it, as far as I know.

21. What word would you like to convince people to stop using?
Nothing comes to mind.

22. If you were to determine what amount of contact you could have with your parents and how much you would see them, what would it be?

I see my mother at least once a week, sometimes more, since we live in the same town. That's fine for me, although she'd like to see me every day..and still have me living with her, but that's another story for another day..

23. What would you do if you were to find out you were adopted?
Be amazed at the lengths my parents went to to create realistic " I-was-just-in-labor-for-18-hours-get-the-camera-out-of-my-face-moron" pictures of my mom, and the wrinkly red newborn pictures of myself.

24. If you are, or were, in a relationship, what would you do if you discovered you and your partner had conceived a child? How do you think that this might change your relationship as a couple?

Hah, um, considering I'm a lesbian...I'd have it and then get rich off of our "miracle baby". Oh like you wouldn't do the same thing..

25. If you could prevent your future child from inheriting one habit from yourself, what would you choose?

I'm not having any, but I guess my messiness isn't a great trait.

26. If, because of intolerance you were going to miss a chance of promotion at your work, would you lie about your religious beliefs?

More than likely my beliefs would have already been known anyway, so I guess I'd be screwed.

27. How well do you think others know you?

Holly knows more about me than anyone else on the earth does. And my close friends certainly know me well..just depends on the person.

28. Do you feel you are still in touch with today's youth, or do you feel you've aged?

Well, at 20, I'd say I'm still part of the youth,chronilogically. Lifestyle, not really. I've never had the experience of drinking, using drugs, having multiple sex partners, etc. that seems to be what today's MTV culture represents as the lifestyle of young adults. ::shrug::

29. What are your best and worst personality traits?

-I'm a good listener and generally caring.
BUT
-I can be ruthless in a way that sometimes shocks myself.
-I'm a procrastinator..I foresee this causing problems in the job world, and I'd like to rid myself of it.

30. What's your pet peeve?

A better question would be what isn't my pet peeve.

Feminism=Hypocrisy

2004-05-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

The above seems to be a common slogan amongst anti-feminist websites. Usually in reference to divorce ala "father's rights" or something of the sort. However, I've been thinking about hypocrisy within feminism in a different way. To me, consistency is important to me, in every aspect of my life. Blame it on my upbringing, I guess. Something either is, or it isn't. Once I take a position on something, it rarely changes or is open to interpretation. I think there is hypocrisy running amuck in feminism, just as I believe it is in all other political movements, and Christianity takes the cake.

When discussing feminism, and what it does and does not include, one inevitably hears "But isn't feminism for ALL women? A woman can still be a feminist if she is involved in pornography, or submits to her husband, or..." . Well, you get the point. To excuse behavior from a woman that would not be tolerated from a man; Pornography in the form of "sex shops" for instance, is hypocrisy. The money is all going to the same place--to an industry that pimps and exploits women for the monetary and sexual gain of men. You can't condone sex toys made for women and call for the banning of molds of porn stars vaginas and Real Dolls.(I'm waiting for the day my mother finds my blog..."Tiffy, why can't you just post about that trip to Florida we went on?. P.S. Is the Real Doll a new Friend of Barbie?? Love, Mom"). And hypocrisy is alive and well in other forms, as well. As someone commented in another entry, lesbian women have fought for women's rights in their relationships to men, domestic violence, abortion, child rearing,etc. from the get go, often with no thanks from heterosexual women. In the beginning the women's movement was very homophobic. Many women didn't want to align themselves with lesbians or risk being suspected as a lesbian themself-they wanted the right to work outside the home, to get equal pay, to be safe in their relationships .Which is understandable; You have to walk before you can run. What is not understandable is the expectation a good 40 years later that lesbian women play the role of underdog in feminism.

I've noticed whenever I broach the subject of homophobia, the subject is awkwardly changed by someone or completely shut down. For instance, in response to a friend of mine's assertion that this town is fairly liberal and free of homophobia, I gave an example of a rude glare that Holly and I got when we held hands in a store one time. She was quick to dismiss the action by saying " oh, maybe you just felt self-conscious. It might not have even been that at all". This pissed me off, and I let her know that it did. I don't expect heterosexual feminists to be concerned with lesbian issues 24/7, nor do I expect them to understand all of them, but when they're brought up, I do expect them to learn. And listen. Likewise, while I care about reproductive freedom, something that isn't something that is personally affecting me, it isn't the only issue that I care to talk about with regards to feminism.

The differences carry the potential to cause rifts among feminists, but I don't think it has to be that way. Of all my friendships, I gain something different from each of them, and I'm pretty sure I can say the same for my friends.

Well, I'm not entirely apathetic..

2004-04-30T19:41:00.001-07:00

So here is my belated entry about the
March For Women's Lives. I heard a lot about this year's march from a friend of a friend who went, and an online friend. From what I gather, it was a positive experience.
However, I didn't appreciate the slogans of choice of some of the protestors. Since when is sexual objectification part of feminism? Or freedom in general? What does a Cunts for Choice sign do to persuade either side? Why is vulgarity, which is possibly alienating to people on your "side" (my mother, for instance, who teeters precariously on the line between pro-life and pro-choice wouldn't be caught dead around someone carrying said sign) necessary? Is that enough rhetorical questions? Other slogans there, I've been told, included "Fuck Bush", which, is quite obviously a euphemism/play on words for a sexual act, one that not everyone engages in, no less. But whatever. I also find it a bit disturbing that people deem it necessary to put clothing/pins on small children saying they are "pro-choice". Um, yeah. I'm sure between crapping their pants and watching Sesame Street your two year old did extensive research into abortion and came out with the firm belief that abortion is a woman's personal right. The same goes for pro-lifers forcing their offspring to hold signs proclaiming "Abortion stops a beating heart" among other rhetoric. Your child is not a mouthpiece for you, and you have no right to push adult political issues on someone who can't tie their own shoes. And while I know the mommy and daddy types fantasize Junior will grow up to follow in their footsteps; Whether that be a foaming at the mouth feminist who is in D.C as soon as a prez so much as mentions the "right to life" or a foaming at the mouth conservative who makes it their personal mission to save all the fetuses in the world. Statistics show that there's a good chance your child will have the same or similiar values as an adult as s/he was taught as a child, anyway.

And sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but every infant I've been around has smiled and/or giggled when it saw George Bush on television. Maybe there was a right-wing conspiracy to inject all fetuses with Republicanism. Beware.

Well, it's not like I'm totally apathetic

2004-04-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

Girls Gone Violent?

2004-04-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I hear a news story or see an incompetant parent in public that proves the point that some people should have been born sterile. This story, is a perfect example. 12 year old Nicole Townes was beaten into a coma while at a friend's birthday party. On a dare, her "boyfriend" (why a 12 year old is allowed to date is beyond me. Refer once again to my statement on people that should not breed) kissed her on the cheek, a move which garnered an age-appropriate "eww!" by the other children at the party. This is where the story, at least the one I read, becomes a bit sketchy. Apparently the girl's took this as an insult to her daughter and instructed her to "handle her business", meaning to fight the offending eww-ers. Instead, Nicole was gangpiled and assaulted by the girl whose party she was at, the girls mother, as well as three other teenaged girls. Though the story reported that she is now out of the coma, there is a possibility that she may have permanent damage.

Of course, much like the all girl high-school hazing incident of yesteryear, the story focused on the"shock" of girls committing violent crimes, rather than addressing why an adult woman would instruct her pre-teen to fight people over her "boyfriend", or why an adult, and teenagers on the edge of adulthood would beat a 12 year old. Most likely, like Nicole Townes, they too were taught to resort to violence in the face of conflict.

The body works in mysterious ways

2004-04-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

During the past few months I've developed a truly odd sensitivity to caffeine. I used to be able to chug coke until 11:50 and be asleep by midnight, I now have the jitters if I so much as drink a latte five hours before I even consider going to bed. Clearly, this is not normal. Even as I write this, I'm silently cursing myself for having drunk a bottle of Nestle's iced tea a few minutes ago. Not that it is the most important thing in the world, but having limited beverage choices is a bit annoying. Nothing about my lifestyle has changed; I'm not on any medications and I still drink as much water during the day as I use to.

Send your advice my way,please.

I do? Oh, hell no.

2004-04-17T18:43:00.000-07:00

You know, I may have misanthropic tendancies. It's true that I find the majority of people I come into contact with to be tedious, boring, or asinine, but lately my tolerance level has dwindled. The marriage issue has been exhausted, and quite frankly, if everyone would shut the BLEEP up about it, I'd be a much happier camper.

Though in a way, the "queer" community's support of marriage makes my newly misanthropic self chuckle a bit; The same group of people that condone sadomasochism and polyamory are the ones rooting for the government to extend marriage to two consenting adults, regardless of sex. This is problematic, to say the least, to me. If one believes that sexual relationships with more than one person is acceptable or desireable, why would one support marriage being between two people? Isn't it a bit hypocritical to act like one is so progressive and non-conforming and whatever the queer community likes to fantasize they are, and then turn around and give the proverbial finger to a sizeable portion of your community?

If it wasn't already apparent, I don't support nor see the merits of non-monogamy, and I consider most queer activism to be in opposition to feminism. But I don't particularly care how people choose to live their lives, except when it is detrimental to me. Gay marriage activists overlook the need for things such as healthcare, that have nothing to do with one's marital status. Many other countries have universal healthcare for its citizens, and even non-citizens, the United States is one of the wealthiest countries in the world and has none of the above. In this country, medical coverage is still sketchy even if you are married and relatively healthy. So what if you're not married and relatively not healthy? My relationship status doesn't change my needs for medical and dental care. I don't need George Bush et al, or John Q. Public to recognize my relationship, because let's face it, the people that care most about a relationship are the ones in it. While I'm happy if my friends are happy, I don't particularly give a shit about celebrating someone else's choice of partner, and I'd imagine most people feel the same way. If people feel the need to profess their undying l-o-v-e, it should be in a private ceremony, with no legal recognition.

Gay marriage isn't going to make your family accept you if they already don't. It's not going to make the homophobic guy down the road, or the pope, or the president. It's not going to make you feel "normal". It's not going to change heterosexism and bigotry. The only thing it might do is once again force heteronormative institutions on lesbians and gays and pressure those that want/need tax benefits or healthcare.

And quite frankly, if I ever see another sign/email/poster/person proclaiming "Marriage Is Love", you will have one crazy lesbian on your hands.

Dear Google, step up your game

2004-04-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

The Google search engine techies must have forgot that today is Easter, or were so sick of hearing about Passion shit that they swore off all things christian. If it's the latter, I couldn't blame them. But I really was looking forward to seeing some cute egg-shaped "O's" or a bunny, or something.

Mom came over with goodies this morning. A stuffed bunny, like she gives me every year, and loads of candy. I think Holly has eaten her weight in Peeps, and the cats are following in her footsteps. I actually wished that I had film left in the camera when I walked downstairs and saw both she and Maggie(the cat)peering greedily into the box of disgustingly sugary chicks. Against my warnings, Holly let her lick one for awhile. Those of you that have cats probably knew what came next; We both spent the next 15 minutes running toward the sounds of the infamous barf-buildup sounds that only cats make, attempting to shoo her off of the carpeted floors, off the bed.."Noo! Not on my pillow!", finally just before she let loose Holly managed to lock her into the (tiled) bathroom. I proceeded to rant and rave about how *that* is why you don't give cats human food, let alone, freakishly sugary easter candy. I might have overreacted, but let's see how you react after you've had to run up and down two stories of a house trying to keep a 10 pound ball of fur from spewing all over your possessions.

I've since confiscated the Peeps, because I'm not too keen on the idea of chasing a puking 100-something pound Holly around the house, either.

Forgive me blogger, for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last update

2004-04-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

But cut me some slack. I've been busy doing things like research papers and analysis, and reading. You know, things I probably should have done the first 12 weeks of the school semester. But never fear, I'm caught up now, and even had time to conspire with friends about a graduation party for Holly. And now, since I'm sure you missed my witty repartee, on to what is (unfortunately) a very common theme in this blog.

While I was at Target this afternoon, like I am so many other afternoons-I have a thing for the little knick-knacks that they sell. I rarely see cuter items even at pricier places such as Pier 1. I wandered over to the pets' section to buy an umpteenth pack of toy mice for the cats, while doing so a woman-well, I assume so anyway. She looked masculine and had the piggish attitude to match it-considering she looked me up and down as she stood in the same aisle not even pretending to be looking at anything other than me. Of course, I said nothing to her. For a split second I was wondering if I actually set off someone's gaydar for once, but then just came to the conclusion that 1) Anyone with any class wouldn't gawk at another person, regardless of sexual preference. And 2) Ew. I genuinely hope that I don't give off a I-really-like-lesbians-who-want-to-be-men vibe.

I'm almost resigned to the fact that maybe I should just wear a ring on my left finger to deter these freaks. Not that I don't hate the whole idea of women being property, but just because it gets old.

Be there, or be square.

2004-04-02T15:39:00.000-08:00

If you are a feminist, or interested in learning about feminism, you should check out the message boards of Feminista . Also included on the website are many wonderful feminist articles which I encourage you to read.
See you there!

Michael Meyers, Freddy Kruger, Tori Spelling..

2004-03-30T14:13:00.000-08:00

You know who they are, and they probably scare you, or at least they have someone you know. I was introduced to the gritty world of horror flicks at the tender age of 8. I was at a slumber party, and since there were 9 or 10 of us, we were camped out in the family's basement rec room. The girl's mom had put a movie in for us, something entirely too immature to us sophisticated third graders, I mean, it was animated,after all. When her mom left to put her baby brother to bed, we decided to raid the movie closet for something more interesting. We ended up deciding upon Nightmare on Elm Street, after the first few minutes at least five of us had taken to hiding under our Barbie sleeping bags, and the rest sat staring at the television, eyes as wide as saucers. Finally, when our mini-hostess's mom came back downstairs, she had a conniption over our R rated viewing and wrung her hands as she contemplated exactly how traumatized each of us might be.
I'm happy to report that we all made it through our Freddy Kruger incident unscathed, save for a couple kids not wanting to sleep that night, but were convinced otherwise after a double-fudge chocolate sundae with sprinkles. Of course, they might have just passed out from an off-the-charts blood sugar level,too.

But since then, I've always liked scary movies, though I didn't really see any more of them until quite a few years later. Villians like Freddy or Chucky, or, as I call them 'slash and go' type movies don't scare me very much. Sometimes they're even funny, and are better to throw popcorn at than hide your head under a pillow. The "classics" such as The Omen or Rosemary's Baby or even The Exorcist did little to scare me. Anyone over 40 seems to say that is a generational thing, and that people were actually very afraid of possessed people puking pea soup back in the day or women giving birth to demon spawn. A few years ago the infamous Blair Witch Project was made, media hype included. Too much hype,if you ask me. Since then it has been spoofed numerous times, and has become a joke. While a couple parts of it scared me, if I want to watch bad camera work, lighting, and acting, I can hang out with some film students.

However, there is one film that scared the bejeezus out of me. The Ring. Ah,yes. I didn't see it at the theater for one reason or another, so Holly rented it one night for us to watch. I spent most of the time peeking through my fingers, and to clear my good name, I've never done this before. It takes a lot to scare me, and I was certainly scared.

Supposedly there will be a sequel to it. So if you see someone peeking through her fingers, it might be me.

A picture is worth a thousand words

2004-03-28T22:58:00.000-08:00

If I know who you are, and you'd like to see a picture of moi, send me an email (listed at the side) and I'll give you the link to the album.

This way, if I see my head superimposed on a body in a comprimising position, I'll know who to send my lawyer after. Just kidding. Sort of.

Self-Explanatory

2004-03-26T11:52:00.000-08:00

Since life has proved itself to be lacking in fodder for my usual scathing bloggings for the past couple of days, I've decided to put together a list of lesbian movie reviews. Enjoy.

Heavenly Creatures

For some reason very few people have heard of this movie. This leaves me slightly befuddled, considering it was directed by Peter Jackson and starred Kate Winslet. Of course,this was pre-Titanic, so she wasn't as well known, but still.
Anyway, on to the review. Based on the real life story of teenage murderesses Juliete Hulme and Pauline Parker, Heavenly Creatures depicted the romantic friendship of the beautiful and wealthy Juliette and the shy, socially outcasted Pauline or "Paul". Their friendship becomes increasingly intense until the breaking point at the end of the movie. This film is beautifully done, even in the parts that are painfully hard to watch. It is has been my favorite movie for years, and I recommend that you watch it. And to prove that truth is stranger than fiction,Juliette Hulme changed her name to Anne Perry and now writes best-seller murder mysteries.

Desert Hearts

Hoo boy. Well, it was made in the '70s. So I'll try to be gentle on this film, although it won't be easy, given that it has long been touted as one of the best lesbian films ever made. Perhaps I'm a bit biased as well; The premise of the show is a presumably heterosexual woman being "seduced" by a much younger lesbian at a boarding house. Not my style. It is also moves slower than a fly trapped in molasses. Also not my style. I would only recommend this film to people who want to watch something simply becuase of the hype. Like the The Rocky Horror Picture Show, this film is wildly overrated.

Lost and Delirious

This film is relatively new and stars well known actresses such as Piper Perabo and Mischa Barton. The plot is set at an all-girls boarding school where two of the girls are involved in a lesbian relationship and Mischa, who becomes their roommate, narrates the whole movie. I have mixed views on this one. Without giving away the ending,the second half of the movie is depressing with a little absurdity thrown in. But I'll let you make up your own mind on this one.

Bobbys Girl

Interestingly enough, this is one of my favorites. If you can get past the annoying accents; I believe the setting is supposed to be Ireland(possibly, I was watching it one day when I was ill and doped up on sudafed, so who knows. My review may be a bit sketchy) and it focuses on two middle-aged lesbian partners who own a pub and whose world is shaken up when the ten year old nephew of one of the women comes to live with them. Later in the movie one of the women gets breast cancer, adding to their struggles. Beautifully done film, and has a happy ending to boot.

Go fish

Ugly actresses, ugly film. There is no redeeming factor in this movie. Don't waste your time. Though I watched it in its entirety, I blocked most of it out of my mind as a self-preservation mechanism.

Bar Girls

See above. I couldn't even get through the first 30 minutes. If you had the courage to withstand this abomination, leave a comment and tell me what I missed.

Show Me Love (Also known as "fucking Amal" in Sweden, where it was made)

Weird film. I wasn't too keen on the subtitles, but that's not the only thing that made me dislike it. It focused on a teen girl who has a crush on the "popular" girl at her school. Ho-hum. Kind of cute ending, but boring overall.

French Twist

Another butch dyke trying to put the mack on a straight woman. More subtitles. I saw it years ago, and it doesn't particularly stand out in my mind.

Kissing Jessica Stein

If you like usual Hollywood fair with a gay twist, you'll like this movie. That's all I'll say. If you want my personal opinion of it, my March 22nd post about bisexuals pretty much sums it up.

Aimee and Jaguar

Set in Germany during the Hitler regime. One woman was a married german, the other a lesbian Jew living a life of secrecy. Subtitles. Again. I never finished watching this movie, so I'm neutral about it.

When Night is Falling

This is one lesbian film I've actually yet to see. Maybe one of my dear readers can review it for me.

But I'm a Cheerleader

This was a cute movie. Natasha Lyonne plays a cheerleader who is suspected of being a lesbian by her friends and parents. (Apparently because she is vegetarian and dislikes having her boyfriends tongue shoved down her throat 24/7, among other things). She is sent off to a gay rehabilitation camp for adolescents where she is forced to wear pink and practice traditional, womanly roles such as diapering doll, cooking, and generally acting heterosexual. While there she meets another girl..and maybe she actually IS gay! or maybe not. Rent it and see.

Better than Chocolate

Once the raunchy sex toy scenes came on, my tv went off. I wasn't impressed with this movie, but it could have gotten better towards the ending. Who knows. Decide for yourself.

High Art

The drug use in this film disgusted me, so I didn't finish it. What can I say, if something offends me I have a hard time wanting to be open minded about it. I wasn't really too crazy about the whole even-though-i'm-in-a-relationship-with-a-man-I-can-still-flirt-with-women-because-it's-sexy theme in the beginning, anyway.

The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls In Love

Also one of the first lesbian films that I saw, so I guess it holds a special place in my heart. The film centers on two girls, one from the wrong side of the tracks and another from an upper middle class backround,each risking it all to be together. If you can make it through the slow beginning it gets a lot better.

Personal Best

I can only surmise that filmmakers in the '70s were hitting the downers a bit too hard while writing scripts. This, like Desert Hearts, is painfully slow lacking in substantial plot. I really don't even know what else to say. Pass.

Chutney Popcorn

One of the few lesbian films featuring a woman of color. The plot is about a woman that becomes a surrogate mother for her sister, to the chagrin of her girlfriend. Kind of boring, and surprise surprise, I don't think I finished it.

The Truth About Jane

To preface this review, I'll let it be known that this was a Lifetime movie. A 16 year old girl discovers she's a lesbian and begins a relationship with a girl at her highschool. Her mom, SuperHousewife(Hey, this was Lifetime,after all) has a shit fit. Overall, I still liked it and recommend it.

If These Walls Could Talk 2
Ah, I almost forgot this one. Created by HBO, this movie was actually three stories of lesbians in different generations. My favorite was the one with the old women, one of which played by Vanessa Redgrave. Ellen Degeners and Sharon Stone play a lesbian couple trying to artifically inseminate, and Chloe Savigny plays a "butch" lesbian in the '60s. Two thumbs up, and if I had more thumbs it would be more thumbs up. (Virtual prize if you tell me what pseduo celebrity said that).

This is in no way all of the lesbian movies out there, but it's most. I haven't seen Clair of the moon or Tipping the Velvet, so maybe there will be a part 2 sometime in the future.

There are no words.

2004-03-24T17:45:00.000-08:00

Today in the mail Holly received a package from her half-brother's fiance. I've blogged about her family's antics before, as several of the members rival Chevy Chase's family in the Vacation series of movies. Anyway, a few months ago her brother announced he was getting married, and I guess the fiance has been trying to get to know the family. But back to the package. She asked Holly to be a bridesmaid, and she included pictures of herself and the other bridesmaids-to-be, as well as a sample of what the dresses will look like. Now it's a known fact that most bridesmaids gowns are less than attractive,and that most ex-bridesmaids deeply resent dropping money on something bound to be shoved into the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

But this dress, ah, yes. You could not create an uglier dress if you tried. I'm pretty sure that there is nothing even remotely like it on the Web to give you a visual, so I won't bother. Words will have to suffice. Picture a throwback of an '80s mini-dress,complete with puffy off-the-shoulder sleeves. Picture it made out of taffeta. Now picture it lime green trimmed with neon orange. She had the nerve to write beside the picture "Isn't it gorgeous? My dressmaker is genius!". Upon seeing the included pictures of the other women she'd chosen to be bridesmaids who were, um, less than svelte, I can only imagine that they wouldn't be too keen on a bright green,skintight dress, either.
But who knows. Just when I thought maybe she picked this abomination in an effort to make sure she upstaged everyone, I came to the picture of the wedding gown. It, like the bridesmaid gown style was mini-dress style, with shiny white material. And here's the kicker; Though the dress ended just above the knee, it had, for lack of a more appropriate term, shredded material going down in strips nearly to the floor. Sort of like those witch costumes that you see around halloween. To match the bridesmaids gowns she paired green hose with it and clear high heeled shoes. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone look any more ridiculous than she did in that picture. Holly, guffawing, was dissapointed that there was no picture of what her brother was wearing, and said that she wouldn't be caught dead in one of those bridesmaids dresses. I can't say that I blame her.

To be continued...Is the fiance for real? Will Holly give in and wear the bright green nightmare? Stay Tuned!

Bliss. No, not the spa.

2004-03-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

Today I was awoken by a blonde head nuzzling gently into my neck. As I rolled onto my back Holly gave me a sleepy smile and tucked her arm snuggly around my waist. The sunlight that was leaking through the blinds bounced off her hair, catching a light strand every now and then giving her a warm, golden glow. She smelled like a mixture of plumeria scented lotion and shampoo, and herself, which if I could only bottle and sell would make me a rich woman. She has always taken my breath away in the morning, long before I ever told her. And even now, I don't think she could ever understand how my heart skips a beat when I see her half-asleep,bedrumpled pj's, and perfectly messed up hair that looks like something only seen in movies. To me, she is the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Today, tomorrow, and 50 years from now when we're both wrinkled and old and not beautiful to anyone except each other.

Today, or thereabouts, four years ago was when Holly told me that she loved me. Like most days, we were sitting around my house after school. This day we were looking at magazines and making a half-hearted attempt to work on homework. True to my 16 year old self, I remarked on how pretty that model was, and sigh, how I wished I could get my hair to look like that. Skipping a beat she looked at me intently and told me that she thought I was beautiful and that she loved me, and had for a long time. She proceeded to blush a crimson red color that I've to this day never seen again, and look down towards the floor. She didn't know that I'd felt the same way for just as long, but never would have had the guts to tell her.

As they say, the rest was history. We moved in together shortly after graduation and have lived together ever since. I love her more than I did back then, a love that comes from liking someone as a best friend and loving them as a partner. I feel blessed, by what or whom, I don't know. But most people don't have the chance to have known the love of their life from the time they were still children, especially lesbians. Or to not have the baggage of ex-boyfriends or husbands or children to factor in to the equation. No one can take that away from us. Not religious zealots who who think people like us shouldn't exist. Not people who are resentful of people who are courageous enough to follow their heart and go against society's expection. And most of all, not even the world, which forces us to confront the injustice that it contains every day.

Becuase sometimes you just wake up to the birds chirping, laying next to the person that you love and at that particular moment everything is perfect.

Turn off the spotlight

2004-03-23T17:14:00.000-08:00

I've come to the realization about why I hate going out in public alone. Not because I'm such an extrovert that I need someone to talk to constantly, or because I'm afraid to. It's to take the attention away from the fact that people stare at me wherever I go.

Today, for instance, after running some errands I decided to stop in a coffee shop to grab a scone and look through the job listings in the newspaper before heading back home. Before long, I got the hair standing up on the back of the back of the neck feeling of being watched. I looked up and a woman in her mid-thirties or so was looking me over. I caught her eye and gave her the closed-mouth polite smile,hoping she'd take a hint, and went back to my newspaper. Now most gawkers, especially of the female persuasion would cease and desist after this. Not this woman. She kept staring as I sipped my coffee and attempted to eat my pastry while thinking "what in the hell are you looking at? Take a picture, it would last longer". Finally I'd had enough and tossed the half eaten scone and left. By the time I'd made it to my car I'd stewed sufficiently enough in my head over what just happened -"should I have asked her what the hell she was looking at? Well, no, that would have been a bit trashy.But she was gawking at me!"to make my face a lovely blotchy red.

I can only conclude that maybe this woman thought I looked familiar. Or maybe she was gay and enjoyed perving on an unsuspecting, uninterested 20 year old. Or maybe she just has a bad staring habit. Either way, it pissed me off. And it happens all the time. I rarely mention it, because if I do, I inevitably hear "well,people think you're attractive, I can see how that is sooo hard" accompanied by an eyeroll.I guess I should thank my lucky stars that life is easy enough that I can actually consider something like this even an annoyance worth dwelling upon

But sometimes a girl just wants to get a cup of coffee and be ignored, you know?

Housecleaning

2004-03-23T11:47:00.000-08:00

-I added my email address by request. It's in the info at the side. For some reason the link shows up as "...". But it works, nonetheless. Let the fan mail commence.

-What exactly is Trackback? I realize I inadvertently marked that I wanted it when I was registering for comments. I gathered from the FAQ that it has something to do with linking to other websites, but it makes it about as clear as mud.

-Someone should pop over to Wit is educated insolence and tell Holly to update her blog.

2004-03-22T17:15:00.000-08:00

After tossing and turning for nearly an hour last night, I decided to get out of bed and curl up with a bowl of soup and a Ricki Lake re-run. Hey, it was 3am-it was either that or an infomercial for products that promised me the body of a supermodel. The topic du jour was former bullies being confronted by the people they picked on. As usual, there was a blown up picture of the bullied person as an understandably awkward 12-16 year old, and when Ricki gave the cue they'd come ripping through the poster alternating between yelling at the bully and shaking their tackily clothed goods at the audience. Some of the bullied had crushes on their alleged harassers and wanted a "date" with them. Some wanted an apology. And if the bully was less than gung-ho about the proceedings the audience quickly put them in their place.

All of this time I was thinking, who gives a shit? Honestly. Did anyone make it through childhood and adolescence with not as much as one negative comment directed towards them? Not yours truly, anyway. As someone who grew early-I had my adult height by 13, and was relatively free of pubertal woes such as growth spurt weight gain and noticeable acne when other girls my age were still short, a bit chubby and more than a little bit concerned with what boys thought about them, I garnered a bit of hostility in my day. Not that I didn't have enough things of my own to worry about; Realizing that you like girls when everyone else is drooling over Jonathon Taylor Thomas is quite a bit to chew on when you're 14.

Despite that, the memory is at the back of my mind now, where it should be. Normal adults do not dwell on the time Bobby made fun of their outfit in the 7th grade, or how Susie never gave them the time of day because they weren't a football player. Adolescence is a time of changes and learning how to co-exist in an adult manner with other people, thus there is bound to be a few instances of anti-social behavior.

But apparently some people don't grasp that. The other day, out of the blue, I got a call from a highschool acquainence. She got the number from the highschool registry and decided, for whatever reason, to call me three years after graduation. Talking to her was awkward, to say the least, because I was never friends with her. We talked in classes, sometimes at school events. That was it.
But obviously she felt differently. After the couple minutes of obligatory small talk she said that she called me for closure. She felt that I had purposely snubbed and refused to be friends with her in high school and that she wanted to know why. My gut response was "Are you kidding me??" No, she wasn't. So I told her that I never had anything against her, we just had different groups of friends, and that was that. She said that it was because I was, not really to my knowledge, considered popular, and would have never been friends with her anyway. At this point I'm pondering why the fuck I am a freak magnet. The summation of the rest of the conversation went much like "Well, ____ I don't really know what to say. I can see that this has been bothering you, even though I was never aware of how you felt. If I did anything to snub you, then I'm sorry. I'm sure that we've both matured as people since highschool and hopefully this can be in the past."

Needless to say, it was quite a surreal experience. I'm a bit creeped out that someone whom I hardly knew dwelled over my behavior for the past 3 years, and still puzzled as to why some people can never seem to let go of the past.

2004-03-21T22:30:00.000-08:00

I thought long and hard about making this post,but finally decided, why not? Maybe I'll get some good feedback.
A year or so ago I met a woman at school-we had a couple of classes together and she knew I was involved with the GLB group on campus.We'll call her X, though, I have no uncertainity that people who know me in real life will know who this person is. One day after class she asked me to get coffee with her, I agreed, stating that i had a free hour before I had to go back to campus to pick Holly up. All was fine for awhile, but then X began to get all Fatal Attraction on me. She started calling me numerous times during the day on my cell phone, and if i didn't answer, she'd call my home. She began wanting to make plans to spend time with me sans Holly, the majority of the time. Call me naive, but it really wasn't until I received one dozen red roses on Valentine's Day that year that I put two and two together. Holly, needless to say, was not happy, and I was not happy that i was faced with telling a persistent crush to back off. If it had been a man, I'd have had no problem telling him off and suggesting alternate uses for the dozen roses. But x was a woman, someone who i considered a friend. Eventually I decided to take her out to coffee to let her know that I realized that she had a crush on me, but I was in a happily committed relationship and that wasn't going to change..."it's not you, it's me...".
Oh, sorry.
Anyway, this was a mistake. Within five minutes X was professing her love for me and christening her mocha latte with tears. Did I mention we were in a crowded coffee house? Yes, it was quite the scene. Afterwards she made herself scarce for a few weeks, but later I learned she was just gearing up for the next round. This past semester X managed to enroll in an upper level college course in my major, as well as become my partner in a research project for said course. I'm convinced X is either related to the Powers That Be at the good ol' university, or she is methodically crafty.

Now, do I have a point in this entry, or am I merely once again exploiting the socially inept? Ed's note:perhaps I should switch to journalism and get a job writing for Page Six

I actually do have a point. As a lesbian, this kind of behavior seems to be more acceptable. Acceptable. Key word. I'm no stranger to the fact there are many jilted male stalkers and ex-boyfriend who behave in this fashion and a lot worse; often lashing out in harassment or violence. But, at least in the heterosexual world there seems to be a basic acknowledgement that people in monogamous relationships intend to be monogamous. In the few years that I've been openly lesbian, I've encountered lesbians that assumed that I was still a dating option, and more than a few bisexual women who assumed that lesbians were just d-y-i-n-g to have a relationship/sex with someone who was with a man. Case in point, this person who previously commented in my journal and devoted an entire psychotic entry in her blog about what a bitch I am. Thus, the mention. I'm sure it will make her day. On a message board somewhere in cyberspace a long time ago she engaged myself in others about how lesbians discriminated against people such as herself (bisexual) and that they were wrong in doing so. On several entries she lists women that she finds attractive or has "crushes" on. Undoubtedly if her boyfriend were to do the same, it would be unnacceptable to her. This, is exactly the reason that most real lesbians don't want involvement with bisexual women. This isn't late-night Cinemax soft porn, I know of no lesbians who could give a shit about dragging women in relationships with men to the sapphic side. Nor interested in being the "crush" of someone with a vested interest in the three-leggers. If anything, because heterosexuality is forced upon us daily by friends, family, and the media, we try to keep our romantic relationships as free from it as possible.

I'm just tired of women being exploited. If you're a lesbian, it's tripled. You're objectified by men for being a porn fantasy if you're anything even remotely attractive, if you're not, you're denigrated for being a dyke. You're objectified by the rash of "bi-curious/sexual/questioning" women who think that you,as a lesbian, exist for the sole purpose of threesomes with their boyfriend or casual sex before boyfriend springs a Tiffany&CO engagement ring on them and they proceed to marry and happily populate the world with more Meighganne's and Khrystophere's.

Screw that. Just like your mom said, (well, maybe not your mom, but mine did. And she was damn right) you can't have your cake and eat it to. I'm happy that I'm a lesbian. But I'm not asking anyone else to be.

And if the only reason you're interested in women is to objectify and project your heterosexual privilege onto them, please don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way back to reality.

2004-03-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

Today marked the last day of school for 1 1/2 weeks. Three cheers for spring break.

Tentative schedule:

-Sleep in every day.

-Look for a job

-Read a book, just for fun. Reading V.C. Andrews books aloud to Holly is always enjoyable. She hates the fact that they're so predictable " groan, don't tell me, her husband actually turns out to be her half-brother from her mother's affair."

-Consider getting a puppy.I know, I know. I have bad luck with dogs .The two that I had as a child had to be given away becuase of their inability to do anything other than relieve themselves all over the carpet and destroy 80% of the furniture. And folks, this was after obedience school. For the last dog that we had we actually hired a trainer to come to the house. Funny story, actually. The veternarian gave us the guy's name. He had the demeanor of a drill sargent with dogs-including a funky accent that made it all the funnier. When asked by my mother if he could get Conner to stop destroying more territory than George Bush he replied "Yes, ma'am! He will never chew the carpet again, ma'am!". Well, he came every day for nearly a week, and Conner continued to chew and spew from every orifice of his body. (The dog had a penchant for eating unedible goods such as paper, plastic or anything else he could get hold of, so he vomited fairly regularly). The week culminated in the trainer throwing his hands in the air and muttering a few words in his native language-Russian, or somewhere in that region, I'd imagine, and Conner peeing triumphantly on his shoe. My mother ended up giving him to a particularly annoying acquaintence who she was eager to get rid of "Oh yes, he's just a perfect little dog,I'm afraid we're just not the right family for him". Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Oh, I might also be going on a mini-trip. Holly's family is planning to go to Michigan for a few days to visit her elderly relatives. They'd like us to go with them, so we'll see. It's last minute so Holly didn't have time to ask off work.

2004-03-16T20:31:00.000-08:00

Oh, and to prove that sometimes you can judge a book by its cover, the aforementioned porn-peddler made yet more people's eyes bleed by being every bit as skanky and ugly on the outside as she is in the inside. Included in the picture were children who resembled the pictures in the books where they join two homely celebrities and figure out what their "lovechild" would look like.

The porn-peddler also claims to have "dated" women because she is a ~~slut~~ bisexual, but obviously chose another way to exploit them and used the sex industry instead.

I'll spare you the photo, I don't want to be responsible for anyone ruining their computer monitor with vomit.

2004-03-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow is St. Patricks Day. I doubt I'll be sporting green considering I have very little of it in my wardrobe. I think it makes me look sallow. Nearly everyone else tells me it brings out my eyes. Nevertheless,my wardrobe consists of cream, beige, black, and more pink than anyone should really own. But hey, a holiday is a reason to celebrate,no? I've decided to skip Wednesday's classes for a swanky lunch downtown and a much needed hair cut at the spa.

My favorite stylist worked me in after I'd missed my appointment last week. Said stylist also has permanent lipcolor-the just ate berries,natural flush look. I really, really want it done. I have for years, but this is the first time I've seen someone in person with it. But I'm afraid of the pain, and the uh, permanence. But I like the aspect of convenience, no more worrying about lipcolor on teeth or clothing. Holly proclaimed she liked my mug as-is. My mother, with an exasperated sigh told me "well, don't say I didn't warn you when you're swollen with clown red lips. I love you sweetie!"

Despite the lack of votes of confidence, I'm still considering it.

Just Desserts

2004-03-15T15:04:00.000-08:00

I admit it, I have little patience. Especially for stupidity. I got a late start today, and instead of leaving before the Mad Dash to Work folks, I ended up leaving at approximately the same time as them. Here's another tidbit about me. I don't exceed the speed limit. I'm simply not willing to risk, my life, others lives, or my driving record in the name of getting somewhere 5 minutes earlier. If you can't pass me, then you're out of luck.

This particular day I happened along a Road Bully. You know, the kind that think following 1/4 of an inch behind your bumper will make you move faster. RB's truck was rusted to oblivion, and complete with the pissing Calvin sticker. He proceeded to tailgate me until we came to an intersection and had to stop. When the light turned green, he floored his junker and managed to pass me,for reasons unknown to me,going at least 70(this was in a 40 mph zone, so I have no clue why he felt the need to accelerate 30 mph in order to pass my tiny car). A few seconds later I heard the sweet serenade of a siren and RB got pulled over .

Unable to resist, I gave him my best Miss America wave as I drove by.

2004-03-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

Today I found out that I'm still being talked about by a certain pathetic twat

Here's a tip: Maybe you and your little girlfriend should try working so she can afford some much needed orthodontic work. See, humans aren't supposed to look like Mr. Ed. See post below about things that make attractive people's eyes bleed.

Anyway, I stood someone up for lunch today. after driving in circles for ten minutes trying to find somewhere to park, the space I managed to get was by a shoe store. I had about 10 minutes before my lunch date, so I decided to take a peek. Upon entering the store I made up my mind that there was probably nothing in there remotely appealing to me. Think, late '90s styles of Reebok and Doc Martens. Figuring I'd at least give it a shot, I wandered to the sale rack in the back. What I found made my day. Black Uggs on sale for $79.99, no less. See, this is one of the benefits of living in a relatively small, un-fashion savvy town.Ugg boots are sold out until late summer. The few pairs that are still available are being sold for up to $400 on Ebay. By luck, they happened to be my size. Not that I wouldn't have bought them anyway.
But let's back up.

Upon seeing the boot in my hand, a salesman approached me, with a certain slavic charm. He had a rather thick accent and a penchant for calling me "miss" every two seconds. He also decided that I didn't look like the type of woman that would wear such clompy boots. "Ahh, does thee miss like such big boots? Are you sure not like something like thees better? he asked, holding up a leather pointy toed boot. I replied that thanks, but no, I absolutely love this pair. Upon more inquisition about what the Uggs desireable qualities were, and more flailing hand gestures from me to make up for my lack of Spanish(despite taking two different Spanish classes in school, I can remember little more than 'c'omo estas? but that's a long story) I finally told him that they were fashionable. You know, the celebrities were wearing them and shit. Ahh, yes, like Kate Moss. No, Kate Moss has been passe since her last stint at rehab, buddy. But I simply agreed, and paid for the boots. By this time I realized that I'd been in the store for 30 minutes, instead of ten. Panicing I reached for my cell phone, noticing that I'd missed 2 calls. The volume had been turned down because I'd been in class.Damn!

Moral of the story: Don't lose your head over fashion trends. Or don't turn the volume of your cell phone down. Or..well, you get the point.

And Kris, I'm a lousy, no good friend. And you're a sweetheart for forgiving me after you sat at the cafe for 20 minutes. You can borrow my shoes anytime you want. Or, if you want to brave getting hammertoe, I'll buy you the size 7 pair they had left.

2004-03-08T17:18:00.000-08:00

Open Letter To Lesbians:

As a fellow sapphic sister, I have taken it upon myself to initiate a little tough love on your behalf. You know who you are. You are the ones who upon discovering that your disinterest in boys didn't just mean that you were a 'late bloomer', decided to don an army-recruit and/or mullet hairstyle and matching attire. In a nutshell, going out of your way to look exactly like the people that you weren't attracted to. You know, Freud would shit bricks over this kind of behavior, but since he was a misogynist who was also schtupping his clients, we'll just ignore that. But back to the point;what is the desire to look masculine? Sure, people should wear what they're comfortable in, but there is more than a fine line between mini-skirts and making the men's section in JCPenney your second home. What is the point? In the hope of attracting straight women? Becuase just between you and me, I'm attracted to women in part, because they are not like men physically. If I wanted someone who wore whatever fell out of the hamper and hadn't heard of the term "tinted moisturizer" I'd date a member of Beta Theta Pi.

In closing, there are enough ugly people walking around daily,making this poor lesbian's eyes bleed. You wouldn't want to contribute to that, now would you?

2004-03-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

Of the number of memorable conversations had with my friends during my birthday or thereabout (save the one about the man wearing a clown costume for no apparent reason. I know you're traumatized,Kris) one in particular stands out to me. The topic of dating had come about, not surprisingly, considering most of my friends are anywhere from 19-24, and someone razzed me about 'missing out' on the whole dating scene. Which is true, in part. I've been with Holly since I was 16 years old. We decided to make it official when we were only 18. Not a decision I'd reccommend to anyone else, really. But it was right for us. They knew this of course, and jokingly Holly and I told them that we'd just have to live vicariously through their dating life.

But. And there's always a but. Deep down, I'm supremely happy that I don't have to date, as a lesbian. From what I've experienced, heard from word of mouth, and read, lesbian relationships are often deeply troubled; Women "deciding" that they are straight, or deciding they want to become men, higher use of drugs and alcohol, and sexual perversions. Now I'm not saying that this means that heterosexuality is preferable, hell no. But I do recognize that for a variety of reasons, a big one being society's disapproval of anything except traditional families, that this leads to the manifestation of such things. I think it would be doing a disservice to everyone to deny this.

This also ties in to my feelings about the gay marriage rulings as of late. They've left me feeling a bit like Miranda from Sex and the City (I must justify this by saying I really hated the series, and only watched a handful of the shoes, but this one in particular applies to my point) when she finds out the sex of her (unplanned) baby. Everyone she encounters jumps for joy at the news and expects her to do the same. So she does. Or at least attempts to. That's how I feel, sort of. People, especially straight, assume that as a lesbian I am thrilled with the idea of marriage and am probably, in fact, carrying a wedding dress on my person in case my town decides to follow San Francisco. In actuality, as a feminist, I recognize how detrimental marriage has been to women and would rather see new social policies implemented (such as universal healthcare and living wages) instead of extending an already flawed system. And when gay marriage is legally recognized in all of the States, it will be a brick wall, for women. 'Cause hey;Gay or straight, find someone to marry and go along with the system!

Not to mention the fact that nearly all people who are chomping at the bit to prove how much they're in love, complete with kissy faces and public PDA's, are the ones whose relationship ends up abusive, adulterous, and/or ends within a short period of time. I mean, without fail. In all age groups. See a couple that can't hang up the phone without saying "I love you" 20 times? One of them is probably no stranger to a "loving" shove every so often. Know someone who can't stop talking about and showing pictures of their lovemuffin? There's a good chance s/he's schtupping lovemuffin's best friend. People that have the most to hide generally put the most work into making themselves and others believe that everything is ok.

2004-02-29T19:36:00.000-08:00

Why is my comments section showing up twice? Waah. Can anyone help me?

2004-02-29T15:38:00.000-08:00

So Thursday, February 26th marked the end of my adolescence. Here's to the big 2-0 bringing me lots of adventures and no pre-wrinkles. This birthday was actually one of my favorites in years. Since it fell on a weekday this year, and being a senior in college I have limited free time, my celebration consisted of a couple hours of schmoozing with friends,virgin drinks, and doing karaoke at a local club. Friday, Holly(girlfriend extraordinaire) and I drove to a nearby city to spend the day shopping. By evening we were both exhausted and decided to spend the night in a hotel; Ordering room service and jumping on the bed-ok, I was the only one that engaged in the mattress antics. It's been a guilty pleasure since I was a small child. My mother had a fit if I jumped on my bed at home-it breaks the bed springs, apparently, so I always indulged whenever I was at a hotel. I have to admit it's a bit more fun, not to mention quieter when you're five instead of twenty, though. The looks the "neighbors" gave us when exiting our room-especially upon seeing we were both women, after hearing my bed gymnastics was amusing, albeit slightly embarrassing. Saturday was spent with more friends and ended in going to a late show at the theater with my mom.

Currently, I have not one, but two birthday cakes on my kitchen counter downstairs, and several gifts i've yet to open. My hands-down favorite is the robo vaccuum that my mom gave me. It cleans by itself-yes, that's right. You simply charge it up and it cleans the floor-corners included by moving in spiral motion. It has sensory detectors that prevent it from falling down stairs. It can be yours for the low low price of $199. Just kidding. Seriously, though, I love it. And I'm not one to get excited over house appliances.

To end the perfect birthday weekend, a friend from highschool called to wish me a belated birthday. She'd forgotten that I live on my own now, and had left several messages on my mother's answering machine before she was finally given the correct number. She also sent my birthday present to my mother's house. It came on Saturday,and my mom decided to deliver it to me this morning. What was it, do you ask? None other than a brand spankin' new pair of UGG boots, which are sold out until May in the entire northern hemisphere. I think I had a religious experience upon opening the box,they feel like the most luxurious pair of slippers that one could find, except you can actually wear them outside.

Holly, who declared that sticking one's feet in tissue boxes would look better than wearing uggs, has said that I can never tease her about wearing Birkenstocks ever again.